Monthly Archives: October 2011

I Need Your Help Again: Which Celebrities Should Be Promoting Sex Toys?

The world will most likely never see a Larry David dildo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few days ago  Lindsay Lohan was offered a $1 million dollar endorsement deal by the Fleshlight sex-toy company. All she has to do is allow them to make a mold out of her vagina, which they will then fill with silicone, encase in an industrial plastic tube, and peddle to hardcore Herbie Fully Loaded fans. I can’t imagine that there would be a huge market for this, considering that her genitals wouldn’t win any beauty contests, but it did lead me to wonder which celebrities would be better suited to promoting sex toys.

Although Lindsay hasn’t publicly said whether she’ll help market a silicone likeness of her genitals, two other D-list celebrities have sex toy lines in the works: Phil Varone, star of Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew and a former drummer of the band Skid Row and The Real Housewives of Atlanta star Kandi Burruss.  The thought of owning a silicone replica of Varone’s penis or a clitoral stimulator inspired by Burruss doesn’t thrill me, but there are a number of celebrities whose genitals I would race out of the house to purchase. Of course I would love to see a Larry David dildo, but unfortunately that would have limited appeal. I know this because I belong to the Facebook group “Larry David– the Sexiest Man Alive,” and it only has five members.

No A-list celebrities have sex-toy lines, but they have no problem promoting products like lingerie (watch Bob Dylan’s bizarre Victoria’s Secret ad here) and acne medication (Jessica Simpson, Katy Perry, and Justin Bieber have all endorsed Proactiv). I think that if they’re willing to publicly declare their acne problems, they should also feel comfortable discussing their love of waterproof vibrators. I want to see Salma Hayek endorsing a line of nipple clamps, Leonardo DiCaprio hawking prostate stimulators, and Ryan Gosling peddling his lifelike dildos in the Special Features section on The Ides of March DVD. The only way to banish the sex-toy stigma in America is to have people like Justin Timberlake endorsing them. Which A-listers would you like to see promoting sex toys?

—Hallie Lieberman

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This is The Most Disturbing Sex Toy That I’ve Ever Seen

The Fuck My Face! Mega Masturbator

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I usually don’t judge people’s sexual proclivities. I judge everything else about a person, but not that. Nobody can control what type of sexual activity or pornography gets them off. As long as the sex act involves willing partners, I’m all for it. But if you watch this video of the Fuck My Face! Mega Masturbator and think to yourself, “Where has this been all my life? I’ve always wanted to attach a woman’s disembodied Fanta-Flesh head to the tile in my shower and insert my penis into its mouth, while pulling on her real blonde hair that I’ve lovingly styled myself,” then you need to take a deep breath and evaluate your life choices, before fucking this face.

And I might as well mention how disturbing the ad copy is for this device. Here’s a sample from Pipedream Product’s website:

“Pull her hair, smack her face, and shove your hard-on halfway down her trachea!”

“Every lifelike detail is captured in this replica Fanta-Flesh honey, from her blinkable eyes rolling back into her head, to her extra long windpipe wrapping around every inch of your pleasure rod!”

For some reason this is the creepiest pitch of them all:

“You can even curl or straighten her hair and give her your favorite hair style”

— Hallie Lieberman

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Halloween Sex Toy Roundup

With Halloween only thirteen days away, I thought it was time to explore the world of fantastical, Halloween-themed sex toys. Since most women over the age of 12 use Halloween as an excuse to dress like down market hookers who hang out at the local  7-11 offering hand jobs to passing motorists for $7.50 plus tips, Halloween might as well be the nation’s official sex holiday. So, when you are picking up your slutty football referee costume in preparation for October 31st, why don’t you also spring for something even more daring: a bright blue silicone alien penis.

Side note: All my life I’ve lived in fear of being sexually assaulted by aliens. That’s what happens when you grow up with a mother who moonlights as an amateur ufologist, so I’ve decided that the best way to face this fantasy is to take a preemptive strike by purchasing an extraterrestrial dildo. An advertisement for the male alien masturbator is below.

If aliens aren’t your thing, there are other monster-themed sex toys that might appeal to you. If you’ve had a secret urge to purchase a dildo modeled after rotting human flesh, now’s your chance.  You can pass it off as a “gag” purchase, even if, in reality, you have an intense zombie sex fantasy involving a bucket of gummy organs, two tubes of Neosporin, and a kiddie pool.

With that being said, here is a slide show of the major Halloween-themed sex toys. Descriptions and a price list are below.

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Alien

1. Man Eaters From Outer Space Waterproof Vibrator $29: This is the most adorable male sex toy that I’ve ever seen. It’s a rotund green vibrating cyclops with a wide open mouth.

2. Alien Fleshlight $63.71: See ad above

3. Alien Dildo $63.71 See ad above

Cyborg

1. Cyborg Fleshlight $63.71. Unfortunately, this one is a little disappointing. It’s unclear what is robotic about this artificial vagina.  If only Fleshlight had consulted with a robotics engineer or Donna Haraway, this would be a masterpiece.

2. Purple Cyborg Dildo: Ditto.

Devil

1. Devil Duckie Vibrator $16: This looks better than it feels. Trust me on this.

2. Devil Dildo: A meticulously crafted silicone delight. I bet the devil himself would endorse this if he knew about it.

Frankenstein

1. Frankenstein Fleshlight $63.71: If the thought of masturbating into a pink vagina that is supposed to look like it has been torn apart than sewed back up again (but in actuality looks like a baseball) turns you on, then your dreams have been answered.

2. Frankenstein Dildo $63.71: When I was an adolescent, I felt a kinship with Frankenstein (Mary Shelley‘s version). He’s not trying to hurt anyone, but he’s always accidentally destroying his surroundings. I’ve never wanted to have sex with him, but if I did I still wouldn’t buy this because the silicone bolts molded on to the dildo look dangerous. And, it is “intended for external use only.” Therefore, it’s useless as a dildo, but fantastic as a conversation piece.

Zombie

1. Zombie Fleshlight $63.71  With it’s pock-marked contours, this pink faux vagina really captures the spirit of undead  sex.

2. Zombie Dildo $63.71  The sinewy grey silicone dildo looks undead, yet appealing.

3. Necronomicox’s Zombie Dildo about $125: With yellow rotting flesh dripping off of the penis head and bright red veins tearing through the grey flesh, this dildo only appeals to hardcore fetishists.

Vampire

1. Fang Banger Waterproof Vibrating Cock Ring $20: The fang banger is a remarkably unimaginative Halloween-themed sex toy. The only evidence that this is a vampire cock ring is that it’s red, and it has fang banger in the title.

2. Succu Dry Fleshlight Sex in a Can Masturbator $52: Most people can only dream of receiving fellatio from a be-fanged creature. This Fleshlight delivers on that fantasy with a soft fang mouth, and “fang-shaped nubs” on the interior of the sleeve.

3. Death by Orgasm Vampire Bullet $15:  It’s just a vibrating bullet in a coffin, but the bullet is so versatile, such a classic toy, that there’s no way you can tire of it.

4. Drac Fleshlight $63.71 If you’ve ever wanted to engage in sexual intercourse with a woman whose vagina is shaped like a bat, you should buy this.

5. Drac Dildo $63.71: I’m not sure that someone whose vagina tingles for Eric Northman would get off on using this. Actually, I’m sure no woman would ever mistake this shiny, blood-red penis for that of Alexander Skarsgard.

Posted by Hallie Lieberman

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I Need Your Pop Culture Expertise

Ryan Gosling Romancing a Sex Doll in  “Lars and the Real Girl”

For my dissertation, I’m attempting to chronicle the history of sex toys in popular culture. I’m trying to document how depictions of sex toys changed over time in films, TV shows, novels, songs, and any other popular media.

Right now I only have a short list.

The first movie that came to mind is the classic Ryan Gosling film shown above that costars a Real Doll.  Then, of course,  I thought of the famous episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte gets addicted to her Rabbit vibrator. Following in quick succession were the episode of Weeds where Andy gets reamed by a Torah scholar wielding a strap-on and Eminem’s “Crazy in Love”: “Like a devil in disguise/You’re always full of surprises/Always pullin’ devices out your purse, little vibrators/And dildos, you fucked yourself so much/You barely feel those anymore.”

I’ve included the rest of my meager findings below. As you can see, I’m failing miserably at this task. Please, I implore you, if you don’t perform any other acts of charity this year, you must help me update these lists. It’s for the good of humanity.

Television

 1. The Osbournes’ episode where Jack uses a Clone-A-Willy kit

2. The Bad Girls’ Club (I think some sex toy company sponsored them)

3. Most episodes of Talk Sex with Sue Johanson

4. Oprah (I know there were a few episodes that focused on sex toys, but I’m not sure which ones)

5. The Mad Men episode with the vibrating device

6. The sex-toy home shopping channel

Note: I know that I must be missing some CSI stuff, since I don’t watch those shows. I’m hopeful, but doubtful, that dildos have been in The Amazing Race and other mainstream reality TV competition shows.

Film

1. Lars and the Real Girl (2007)

2. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask) (1972)

3. Selected films from the John Waters’ oeuvre

Note: I’m missing about five thousand movies here.

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If We Can Send A Vibrator Into Space…And Other Sex Toy News

This Saturday, just in time for Yom Kippur, Dave Levine, aka Sex Toy Dave, is going to be the first person to launch a vibrator into outer space. Propelling a Mini Multi-Speed Vibrating Bullet into interstellar space may, on its surface, seem unnecessary. Logically, there’s no reason that a vibrator should be sent soaring into the heavens. But logic plays no part in space travel, and the symbolism alone is inspiring. We are reaching out into other worlds, offering up one of our most treasured artifacts to distant beings. I only wish they had chosen to send the Retro Pocket Rocket or an alien-themed Flesh Light into orbit instead of that boring bullet. If aliens stumble upon this sex toy, they will definitely attack us. They’ll assume that this is the best sexual technology the human race is capable of creating, which will lead them to believe that our military technology must also be extraordinarily bad. The future of humanity is at stake. Please, somebody, send another vibrator into the ether immediately.

Why Are the British Upset About This Tame Sex Toy Ad?

This is supposedly the first sex-toy advertisement to ever be shown on TV in the U.K. It was initially intended to be aired this week during prime time, but TV executives nixed that idea because they thought the name of the company’s website was inappropriate. For God’s sake the name is lovehoney.com, not discountgiantwoodenanalbeads.org, but nevertheless, that was the reason they claimed for its unsuitability.

Not only were they upset about the name of the website, but they were also upset with the idea of advertising a sex toy in the first place: “Sex is an intimate expression of lifelong commitment between a man and a woman, not a commodity to be advertised and sold like washing powder or a mobile phone,” said ITV Director Norman Wells in an interview for the Bath Chronicle.

Well, if sex is such a sacred act, then why were ads like this run on British TV without any complaint (as far as I know)?

This double standard is ridiculous. What is so threatening about sex toys that they can’t be openly advertised but ads for erectile dysfunction drugs can? I can only assume it’s because women’s sexuality is more threatening than male sexuality.

In an  interview for Ad Age, Nick Ellis, the creative director for this Love Honey advertisement explained the constraints of advertising vibrators: “You can use sex to sell most products, but as a sex-toy retailer, no hint of anything overtly sexy is allowed,” Mr. Ellis said.

Strangely, American sex toy advertisements from 100 years ago were more risqué than the controversial Love Honey ad.

Hamilton Beach New Life Vibrator Ad in The Des Moines News, November 25, 1912

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Does Yahweh Like Sex Toys?

Moses demonstrates the proper size for a holy dildo.

In honor of the Jewish New Year, I thought I’d try to answer this timeless question by researching Jewish views on dildos, vibrators, and other sundry pleasure devices. To begin with, though, we’re going to examine Yahweh himself, to see what type of a God He is. If George Ryley Scott, author of Phallic Worship, is to be believed, then the Jewish God is an enthusiast of the penis. “Yahweh, the God of the Hebrews, was himself a phallic deity, the rite of circumcision in itself indicating his real nature,” he says. The Hebrews, according to Scott, represented Yahweh in images that showed him having an enormous “symbolic” penis, frequently depicted as a pillar.

Whether or not you believe Scott’s view of Yahweh, it is undeniable that Jews have had a special connection to the commercial sex industry for about the last century. The founder of Doc Johnson was a Jew, as is the designer of a line of popular sex toys. Dr. Ruth is a Holocaust survivor. Some of the most famous porn stars are Jewish, including such luminaries as Ron Jeremy, Annie Sprinkle and Harry Reems (who later converted to Christianity and became a real-estate agent). Both Screw and Eros magazines were founded by Jews. Historically, one of the reasons that Jews have entered these businesses is that they were excluded from more respectable fields. That’s also why most of the founders of the field sexological studies in Germany in the early 20th century were Jews; and it’s why these institutes were destroyed in the mid-20th century.

In my search to discover Semites’ views on anal beads and bondage kits, I stumbled upon Rabbi Shmuley Boteach who wrote a book called The Kosher Sutra: Eight Sacred Secrets for Reigniting Desire and Restoring Passion for Life. In the book, he instructs wives to “bring your husband some new sex toy and ask him to use it on you.” Also, he says spouses should “use sex to mend a heated argument.” So far, so good.

But another Jew has taken his love to sex toys to an even more amazing level. And that Jew is Gavriel, founder of koshersextoys.net a website that sells lubricants and sex toys to married Jews only. He believes that sex toys enhance marriage, and “It is the moral obligation of each partner in a marriage to do whatever is possible to satisfy their partner, and the only way for a marriage to be happy and fulfilling is for it to have a healthy and exciting sex life.” That logic makes sense, but why do Jews need to obtain their Diving Dolphin clitoral stimulators from a Jewish website? According to Gavriel, secular websites are dangerous. They showcase sex toys with offensive names and even more offensive packaging, and the sites are full of sexually charged images that inevitably lead to marital problems. “We believe that only two people belong in the bedroom – and bringing pictures of others in can only harm a marriage,” Gavriel says. I guess in theory that sentiment is a good one (spoiler alert: I’m lying), but there’s no way to avoid bringing pictures of others into the bedroom, because married people are always bringing mental pictures of others into their bedrooms. Whether they’re imagining having intercourse with a local she-male prostitute or being gang-banged by the Princeton English Department, married people in the act of coitus are always exercising their pornographic imaginations. They need to fantasize about someone, anyone, else. That doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t love each other, just that they no longer get tingly genitals for the person who they’ve shared a bed with for the past few decades.

But I can’t be too hard on a highly religious man who supports bringing eight-inch purple beaded vibrators into the bedroom. It’s an honorable goal. Unfortunately koshersextoys.net looks like it was designed using a free template circa 1993. And, the descriptions of the sex toys tell you nothing about where you are supposed to insert them, and what they are supposed to do. For example, instead of calling a Rabbit vibrator’s clitoral stimulator a clitoral stimulator, Gavriel refers to it as, “an extension for stimulation of body parts not reached by penetration of its main shaft.” But these are minor quibbles.

So, where does that leave us? Does Yahweh like sex toys?  Although I can’t be entirely certain, I’m pretty sure that the answer is yes. And, it’s not because Rabbi Shmuley or Gavriel say so, but because God gave us imperfect genitals. And, if we’re made in His image, He’s aware of that fact. If our main goal on this earth is to have lots of sex, it follows that God would heartily endorse humans’ use of the Fetish Fantasy Inflatable Bondage Chair.

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