Does Yahweh Like Sex Toys?

Moses demonstrates the proper size for a holy dildo.

In honor of the Jewish New Year, I thought I’d try to answer this timeless question by researching Jewish views on dildos, vibrators, and other sundry pleasure devices. To begin with, though, we’re going to examine Yahweh himself, to see what type of a God He is. If George Ryley Scott, author of Phallic Worship, is to be believed, then the Jewish God is an enthusiast of the penis. “Yahweh, the God of the Hebrews, was himself a phallic deity, the rite of circumcision in itself indicating his real nature,” he says. The Hebrews, according to Scott, represented Yahweh in images that showed him having an enormous “symbolic” penis, frequently depicted as a pillar.

Whether or not you believe Scott’s view of Yahweh, it is undeniable that Jews have had a special connection to the commercial sex industry for about the last century. The founder of Doc Johnson was a Jew, as is the designer of a line of popular sex toys. Dr. Ruth is a Holocaust survivor. Some of the most famous porn stars are Jewish, including such luminaries as Ron Jeremy, Annie Sprinkle and Harry Reems (who later converted to Christianity and became a real-estate agent). Both Screw and Eros magazines were founded by Jews. Historically, one of the reasons that Jews have entered these businesses is that they were excluded from more respectable fields. That’s also why most of the founders of the field sexological studies in Germany in the early 20th century were Jews; and it’s why these institutes were destroyed in the mid-20th century.

In my search to discover Semites’ views on anal beads and bondage kits, I stumbled upon Rabbi Shmuley Boteach who wrote a book called The Kosher Sutra: Eight Sacred Secrets for Reigniting Desire and Restoring Passion for Life. In the book, he instructs wives to “bring your husband some new sex toy and ask him to use it on you.” Also, he says spouses should “use sex to mend a heated argument.” So far, so good.

But another Jew has taken his love to sex toys to an even more amazing level. And that Jew is Gavriel, founder of a website that sells lubricants and sex toys to married Jews only. He believes that sex toys enhance marriage, and “It is the moral obligation of each partner in a marriage to do whatever is possible to satisfy their partner, and the only way for a marriage to be happy and fulfilling is for it to have a healthy and exciting sex life.” That logic makes sense, but why do Jews need to obtain their Diving Dolphin clitoral stimulators from a Jewish website? According to Gavriel, secular websites are dangerous. They showcase sex toys with offensive names and even more offensive packaging, and the sites are full of sexually charged images that inevitably lead to marital problems. “We believe that only two people belong in the bedroom – and bringing pictures of others in can only harm a marriage,” Gavriel says. I guess in theory that sentiment is a good one (spoiler alert: I’m lying), but there’s no way to avoid bringing pictures of others into the bedroom, because married people are always bringing mental pictures of others into their bedrooms. Whether they’re imagining having intercourse with a local she-male prostitute or being gang-banged by the Princeton English Department, married people in the act of coitus are always exercising their pornographic imaginations. They need to fantasize about someone, anyone, else. That doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t love each other, just that they no longer get tingly genitals for the person who they’ve shared a bed with for the past few decades.

But I can’t be too hard on a highly religious man who supports bringing eight-inch purple beaded vibrators into the bedroom. It’s an honorable goal. Unfortunately looks like it was designed using a free template circa 1993. And, the descriptions of the sex toys tell you nothing about where you are supposed to insert them, and what they are supposed to do. For example, instead of calling a Rabbit vibrator’s clitoral stimulator a clitoral stimulator, Gavriel refers to it as, “an extension for stimulation of body parts not reached by penetration of its main shaft.” But these are minor quibbles.

So, where does that leave us? Does Yahweh like sex toys?  Although I can’t be entirely certain, I’m pretty sure that the answer is yes. And, it’s not because Rabbi Shmuley or Gavriel say so, but because God gave us imperfect genitals. And, if we’re made in His image, He’s aware of that fact. If our main goal on this earth is to have lots of sex, it follows that God would heartily endorse humans’ use of the Fetish Fantasy Inflatable Bondage Chair.

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