With Halloween only thirteen days away, I thought it was time to explore the world of fantastical, Halloween-themed sex toys. Since most women over the age of 12 use Halloween as an excuse to dress like down market hookers who hang out at the local 7-11 offering hand jobs to passing motorists for $7.50 plus tips, Halloween might as well be the nation’s official sex holiday. So, when you are picking up your slutty football referee costume in preparation for October 31st, why don’t you also spring for something even more daring: a bright blue silicone alien penis.
Side note: All my life I’ve lived in fear of being sexually assaulted by aliens. That’s what happens when you grow up with a mother who moonlights as an amateur ufologist, so I’ve decided that the best way to face this fantasy is to take a preemptive strike by purchasing an extraterrestrial dildo. An advertisement for the male alien masturbator is below.
If aliens aren’t your thing, there are other monster-themed sex toys that might appeal to you. If you’ve had a secret urge to purchase a dildo modeled after rotting human flesh, now’s your chance. You can pass it off as a “gag” purchase, even if, in reality, you have an intense zombie sex fantasy involving a bucket of gummy organs, two tubes of Neosporin, and a kiddie pool.
With that being said, here is a slide show of the major Halloween-themed sex toys. Descriptions and a price list are below.
1. Man Eaters From Outer Space Waterproof Vibrator $29: This is the most adorable male sex toy that I’ve ever seen. It’s a rotund green vibrating cyclops with a wide open mouth.
2. Alien Fleshlight $63.71: See ad above
3. Alien Dildo $63.71 See ad above
1. Cyborg Fleshlight $63.71. Unfortunately, this one is a little disappointing. It’s unclear what is robotic about this artificial vagina. If only Fleshlight had consulted with a robotics engineer or Donna Haraway, this would be a masterpiece.
2. Purple Cyborg Dildo: Ditto.
1. Devil Duckie Vibrator $16: This looks better than it feels. Trust me on this.
2. Devil Dildo: A meticulously crafted silicone delight. I bet the devil himself would endorse this if he knew about it.
1. Frankenstein Fleshlight $63.71: If the thought of masturbating into a pink vagina that is supposed to look like it has been torn apart than sewed back up again (but in actuality looks like a baseball) turns you on, then your dreams have been answered.
2. Frankenstein Dildo $63.71: When I was an adolescent, I felt a kinship with Frankenstein (Mary Shelley‘s version). He’s not trying to hurt anyone, but he’s always accidentally destroying his surroundings. I’ve never wanted to have sex with him, but if I did I still wouldn’t buy this because the silicone bolts molded on to the dildo look dangerous. And, it is “intended for external use only.” Therefore, it’s useless as a dildo, but fantastic as a conversation piece.
1. Zombie Fleshlight $63.71 With it’s pock-marked contours, this pink faux vagina really captures the spirit of undead sex.
2. Zombie Dildo $63.71 The sinewy grey silicone dildo looks undead, yet appealing.
3. Necronomicox’s Zombie Dildo about $125: With yellow rotting flesh dripping off of the penis head and bright red veins tearing through the grey flesh, this dildo only appeals to hardcore fetishists.
1. Fang Banger Waterproof Vibrating Cock Ring $20: The fang banger is a remarkably unimaginative Halloween-themed sex toy. The only evidence that this is a vampire cock ring is that it’s red, and it has fang banger in the title.
2. Succu Dry Fleshlight Sex in a Can Masturbator $52: Most people can only dream of receiving fellatio from a be-fanged creature. This Fleshlight delivers on that fantasy with a soft fang mouth, and “fang-shaped nubs” on the interior of the sleeve.
3. Death by Orgasm Vampire Bullet $15: It’s just a vibrating bullet in a coffin, but the bullet is so versatile, such a classic toy, that there’s no way you can tire of it.
4. Drac Fleshlight $63.71: If you’ve ever wanted to engage in sexual intercourse with a woman whose vagina is shaped like a bat, you should buy this.
5. Drac Dildo $63.71: I’m not sure that someone whose vagina tingles for Eric Northman would get off on using this. Actually, I’m sure no woman would ever mistake this shiny, blood-red penis for that of Alexander Skarsgard.
Posted by Hallie Lieberman