Monthly Archives: November 2011

Why All Men Should Own a Strap-On Vagina

The Original Vee-String Vagina Prosthesis

When someone utters the word “strap-on,” I immediately picture a butch lesbian clad in a black leather harness with an enormous purple dildo protruding from her crotch. “Strap-on” possesses a masculine quality; it is reminiscent of the Snap-on Tools Company. A strap-on is imposing and intimidating; it’s a phallic bludgeon that destroys anything in its sight. But during my Thanksgiving vacation with my family, I came upon a strap-on of whose existence I was unaware. It was a strap-on that shattered my worldview, making me question the motivations behind the eternal human desire to create faux genitalia. Yes, I’m talking about a strap-on vagina.

You may ask yourself, “Why would any man want to cover his regal scepter with a flapping mass of labia, clitoris, and hidden urethra, a damp, mysterious cavern whose inner being was not revealed until the 1960s when Masters and Johnson deigned to spelunk inside this enigmatic organ with their camera-equipped dildo.  As a lifelong penis enviest, it is difficult for me to comprehend. If only I had been born with a  penis, I sometimes think, I would have written 15 books by now, received an M.D., and invented a better heating lamp for buffet food. But the genitals that other people have always seem more pleasurable than our own. Even men who love their penises have doubts that they have the best penis. Are uncircumcised men having better orgasms than I have? The cut man asks. Is my penis big enough to give my partners pleasure? Asks every man. So I will reluctantly concede that I understand why a man would want to experiment with a strap-on vagina. They came into the world through the vagina and spend their lives trying to get back into them: why wouldn’t they want to try one on for size if given the chance?

I now present you with the unfortunately named Vee-string Vagina Prosthesis, available in Original, Virgin, Masturbator, Sheath, and Bladder styles.  Made of latex, the vagina is customizable with seven different pubic hair colors and two different hairstyles. The most interesting and useful version of this strap-on vagina is the Masturbator. It has a hole for a man to insert his penis where the clitoris would be, allowing a man to truly understand what it’s like to be a woman.  The Masturbator should be given to all boys at the onset of adolescence as a training tool for their future sexual experiences with women. Even though most men recognize intellectually that the clitoris is the seat of female pleasure, subconsciously they insist that this is not the case. Only through the bodily experience of possessing a clitoris would a man truly comprehend female sexuality. If Freud had owned a strap-on vagina, he would never have invented the myth of the vaginal orgasm.

—Hallie Lieberman

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Can You Love a Sex Robot?

Roxxxy the Sex Robot, being ignored by her technophile romantic partner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In my routine Google search for “sex robots,” I stumbled upon Roxxxy. She received a lot of press last year when she was unveiled at the Adult Entertainment Expo. Roxxxy is a 60-pound sex robot with “veins” and “bones.” She can’t walk, but she can talk, thrust her hips back and forth, and bob her head up and down. Her vagina, anus, and mouth are motor-driven and touch sensitive. Created by Douglas Hines, an engineer with an interest in artificial intelligence, she’s programmed with five personalities, including Frigid Farrah and S&M Susan. However, what’s really interesting about Roxxxy isn’t how realistic she is (she’s not), it’s Hines’ perception of his sex robot that took him nine years to develop:

“What we offer is companionship. Unconditional love. When people say, ‘Oh, you create robots or sex robots,’ they’re right. We do create a product that provides that functionality,  but the reality is what we’re doing is we’re giving someone who doesn’t have somebody to love, someone to talk to, a confidante.”

This led me to wonder, can you love a robot? David Levy addresses this issue in Love and Sex with Robots. His answer is unequivocally, yes. Humans can get attached to inanimate objects like their computers, he says. Once the attachment begins, the computer owner begins to think that their mass-produced computer is a unique object; it is special because it is theirs. But falling in love with a robot requires more than just attachment, according to Levy.  He posits that there are “three routes to falling in love with robots”:

1. Loving robots because they’re just like us. “Robots will become more and more human in appearance and personality, encouraging us to like and love them.”

2. Loving robots because you have technophilia (“a love for machines and technology.”)

3. Loving robots because you’re a social outcast who can’t have relationships with people.

Although the idea sounds preposterous, some elderly seem to love their  baby harp seal robots. But I’m not sure that our technology has progressed to the point where we could love a robot in the same way that we would love a real person. However, that doesn’t stop Hines’ from trying. On his company’s website TrueCompanion.com, there’s a FAQ on how to seduce your sex robot:

For a date, what kind of place would Roxxxy like to go and which personality would you suggest be turned on for this kind of romantic setting? 

She is comfortable staying home and watching a movie or ordering dinner to be delivered.

She would love to talk or get down to “business” with you, interacting with you all the time!

As far as the personality to select, it is up to you – if you want to take it easy, “Frigid Farrah” would love to hang out with you and make small talk. But if you are feeling frisky, “Wild Wendy” will do the trick!

I would love to love a robot. Dating robots could solve a lot of relationship problems. They’re always ready for sex. They never age. They only say what you want them to say:

“She also has a personality which is matched exactly as much as possible to your personality. So she likes what you like, dislikes what you dislike, etc. She also has moods during the day just like real people! She can be sleepy, conversational or she can “be in the mood”!”

I don’t know if I could fall in love with a robot even if I programmed it to be the male Hallie (there’s a male version of Roxxxy called Rocky). It’s hard enough to tell people that you’re gay in our society, let alone tell them that you’re in love with a robot. And what if I loved Roxxxy more than Rocky? Would I be doubly judged for being in love with a lesbian robot dildographer?

Don’t watch this video unless you want to be scarred for life:


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The World’s First Alarm Clock For Your Genitals

Photo by Gyuri Szabo at finfoto.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have you ever showed up late to a meeting and thought, “If only I had had an alarm clock wedged against my vagina, I would’ve been on time?” I know I have. That’s why I’m certain that this Little Rooster alarm clock is destined to be a best seller.

To use this vibrating alarm clock, you place it on “your pubic mound,” while “the vibrating leg rests against your clitoris and labia.” I’m not sure how you are supposed to ignore this as you’re falling asleep, but Little Rooster’s website assures you that “most women become completely unaware of the Little Rooster within a minute of slipping it into their knickers.”

When it’s time to get up, the alarm clock starts vibrating slowly at first, and then its two motors begin to vibrate more intensely. If you become so aroused that you don’t feel like getting up, you just hit “snorgasm” mode and it pleasures you for 10 minutes. Since most people fall asleep after their orgasms, the idea that an orgasm would awaken you from a deep slumber is a little counterintuitive to me. And it seems like The Little Rooster doesn’t have a back-up alarm for those who naturally fall into a post-masturbatory slumber. Maybe there needs to be a separate Little Rooster alarm for your anus that zaps you if you don’t get up within five minutes of your snorgasm.

Design flaws aside, I have to credit the company for their hyperbolic ad copy. The only thing better than inventing and marketing a genital alarm clock is coming up with claims like this: “The Little Rooster is the most considerate alarm clock in the world.  If only altruism were always this much joy.”

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