Monthly Archives: December 2011

The 6 Weirdest Lubricant Flavors (and their vodka counterparts)

I don’t consider myself a connoisseur of anything aside from chewing gum (side note: I recommend Dentyne Pure Mint with melon accents). So when people argue about whether it’s best to serve Chardonnay or Pinot Grigio with grilled lemon-caper swordfish, I roll my eyes and fantasize about interrupting their discussion with the orchestral sounds of my iFart app. Maybe someday I’ll learn to appreciate wine that doesn’t come out of a box, but in the meantime, I’m more interested in the alarming similarities between lubricant and vodka flavors.  The overlap is stunning and bizarre. But I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised considering that both products began their commercial lives as flavorless, colorless liquids lacking in brand identities.

Both vodka and sexual lubricants come in the following flavors, so if you’re feeling adventurous, you should partake of a classy Saturday-night vodka and lubricant pairing:

1. Bacon: J&D’s Bacon lube  and Bakon vodka

2. Bubblegum: ID Bubblegum Blast lube and  Three Olives Bubble vodka

3. Cookie Dough: Cake’s Cookie Dough Kissable Personal Lubricant and Pinnacle’s Cookie Dough Vodka

4. Cotton Candy: Flavor Blast Cotton Candy lube and Pinnacle’s Cotton Candy vodka

5. Devil’s Food: Cake’s Devil’s Food Kissable Personal Lubricant and Cupcake’s Devil’s Food vodka

6. Red Velvet Cake: Cake’s Red Velvet Kissable Personal Lubricant and Desiree’s Red Velvet vodka

I don’t understand why Americans have an urge to wrap their adult vices in the patina of childhood. Because I have the mentality of a socially stunted five-year-old and I frequently eat heavy cream-drenched OOPS! All Berries for dinner, I can understand the appeal of alcohol that tastes like candy and lubricants engineered to taste like pastries. But I have always believed myself to be an outlier, like Oskar from The Tin Drum, who at age three, wills himself to stop growing, so that he remains a child his entire life. I never thought that a significant portion of the U.S. population was also stuck in a protracted childhood.

Even though 87% of my diet consists of refined sugar, I believe that genitals shouldn’t taste like bakery goods, childhood treats, or breakfast meats. Danger lurks in a cookie dough-flavored penis. It’s a double-edged sword: if the lube flavoring is authentic and delicious, the fellator will have to suppress the urge to chomp on the fellatee’s penis. And if, in the more likely scenario, the lube flavor is artificial and cloying, the penis will taste like fluoride treatment which will destroy the already perilous erotic atmosphere of the bedroom.

Instead of purchasing a $10 bottle of Red Velvet Kissable Lubricant to slather all over your boyfriend’s testicles you should visit Denny’s where you can devour the only type of red velvet-flavored spongy balls that should ever enter your mouth: Denny’s $1.99 Red Velvet Pancake Puppies.

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Why You Should Buy Your Family Sex Toys for Christmas

Don Wands Candy Cane Glass Pleasure Wand. Image from http://www.shevibe.com

If you’re planning on giving vibrators to your relatives as Christmas presents, you might think that you’re a daring individual who is bucking tradition and upending the spirit of such a sacred holiday. I should know: When I was sixteen, I gave my cousin a vibrator for Christmas. I felt like such a rebel because I made my family so uncomfortable. But gifting vibrators for Christmas is not a new phenomenon. In fact, you could even call it an American tradition. One hundred years ago, vibrator companies promoted their products as suitable holiday gifts for brothers to buy for their sisters. And they suggested that grandchildren should buy their grandfathers violet ray machines, electrical devices that emitted purple light and came with rectal and vaginal attachments. You can still buy violet rays today, but only at sex toy stores.

So purchase that We-Vibe II for your parents without shame. Improve their sex lives. If they say that a dual-purpose g-spot vibrator and clitoral stimulator designed to be worn during intercourse is an inappropriate gift for them, direct them to my website. Blame it on me. They may be secretly contemplating divorce, and this is the one product that could save their marriage. In fact, if you don’t buy this present for your parents they will surely divorce, and you’ll only have yourself to blame.

Is your sister cranky? It’s definitely because she is having too few orgasms. You must remedy this problem. It’s your job as a brother. Buy her the I Rub My Duckie Santa Vibe. It doubles as a Christmas ornament, and it looks like a children’s toy, so nobody will think you’re creepy for purchasing it for her.

Is your brother getting on your nerves? It’s most likely because he’s sick of masturbating with his hand. Buy him the Tenga 3D Masturbation Sleeve. Not only is it one of the most highly rated masturbation sleeves, but also it looks like it was designed by Frank Gehry, so he can set it on his shelf and claim that he bought it at MoMa.

If you don’t buy your family sex toys for Christmas, this will be the result:

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Swingers Need Board Games Too

I know that this picture sucks, but it was the best one that I could find. Image from http://www.xxxtruthordare.net

If you’ve ever been playing charades and you wished that instead of acting out a scene from the Jodie Foster wild-child forest drama Nell you were “giving a player a hand job whilst someone licks their balls,” then you should run out to your nearest sex emporium and purchase the XXX Truth or Dare board game. Unlike tame sex trivia games, this game requires you to either engage in a sexual act or answer an uncomfortably personal question like, “When did you realize that you are a lesbian/bisexual?” It’s like middle school Truth or Dare on ecstasy.

 

You may ask: What type of person would want to play such a game? Well, according to their website, their target audience is open-minded people who “are willing to try anything in front of others,” as well as those who have a desire to masturbate “in front of new people.” Who hasn’t had to listen to a co-worker kvetch about constantly having to masturbate in front of the same old group of friends? Now you can finally put an end to the complaining and solve their intractable problem.

If you get bored with the game, for $35.95 you can order their companion XXX toy kit that includes a strawberry and champagne-flavored edible thong, three cock rings, a g-spot vibrator and a mini cat-o-nine tails, among other things.

How you win the game isn’t entirely clear, but if you win you become a “Sex Master” who dictates what sexual activities the rest of the group engages in.

I don’t know how I feel about XXX Truth or Dare. In one sense I think that it could add a nice structure to an orgy (full disclosure: I’ve never been to an orgy, but I’m assuming that they’re unstructured). In another sense, if you’re having an orgy with people who are so uncreative that they need to consult a board game to get ideas, then maybe you need to reevaluate your life choices.

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If Only Foreplay Were Like a Video Game

The Remote-Controlled Lyla Vibrator. Image from Lelo.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Few women could resist a product that is designed to make foreplay more enjoyable for their partners. And there’s no better way to get a man or woman interested in foreplay than to turn your vagina into a video game. So I was very excited when I first heard about the $139 Lyla vibrator that is controlled through a wireless Wii-like motion-sensitive remote. In theory, the idea seems great. You hand the tiny remote to your partner, and they artfully maneuver the hot pink egg-shaped vibrator around your vagina while you become increasingly aroused. I imagined it to be like a vaginal Roomba, minus the cleaning ability. I visualized it zipping around, sensually grasping the genital walls with a charming robotic glee.  Then I discovered that the remote only allows the user to control the speed of vibration, not the direction the vibrator moves in.  But that can still be sexy, I told myself, in a spirit of optimism that is fueled by my daily ingestion of 200 mg of Zoloft and 150 mg of Wellbutrin.

Well, it’s not sexy. In fact, it’s the opposite of sexy (see video below). If the thought of your boyfriend operating your vibrator as if he were barreling down the Rainbow Road track of Mario Kart in a recently unlocked Bullet Bike turns you on, then the Lyla is for you. I could see this vibrator being popular if you could actually play your girlfriend’s vagina like a video game, and the results were uploaded to the internet. The scoring would go something like this:

50 points for every orgasm produced in under 10 minutes

25 points for every other orgasm produced

5 points for every time you play for at least three minutes

When you’ve accumulated 1,000 points, the Lyla would magically sprout wings and fly into your lover’s vagina.

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