If Only Foreplay Were Like a Video Game

The Remote-Controlled Lyla Vibrator. Image from Lelo.com












Few women could resist a product that is designed to make foreplay more enjoyable for their partners. And there’s no better way to get a man or woman interested in foreplay than to turn your vagina into a video game. So I was very excited when I first heard about the $139 Lyla vibrator that is controlled through a wireless Wii-like motion-sensitive remote. In theory, the idea seems great. You hand the tiny remote to your partner, and they artfully maneuver the hot pink egg-shaped vibrator around your vagina while you become increasingly aroused. I imagined it to be like a vaginal Roomba, minus the cleaning ability. I visualized it zipping around, sensually grasping the genital walls with a charming robotic glee.  Then I discovered that the remote only allows the user to control the speed of vibration, not the direction the vibrator moves in.  But that can still be sexy, I told myself, in a spirit of optimism that is fueled by my daily ingestion of 200 mg of Zoloft and 150 mg of Wellbutrin.

Well, it’s not sexy. In fact, it’s the opposite of sexy (see video below). If the thought of your boyfriend operating your vibrator as if he were barreling down the Rainbow Road track of Mario Kart in a recently unlocked Bullet Bike turns you on, then the Lyla is for you. I could see this vibrator being popular if you could actually play your girlfriend’s vagina like a video game, and the results were uploaded to the internet. The scoring would go something like this:

50 points for every orgasm produced in under 10 minutes

25 points for every other orgasm produced

5 points for every time you play for at least three minutes

When you’ve accumulated 1,000 points, the Lyla would magically sprout wings and fly into your lover’s vagina.

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4 thoughts on “If Only Foreplay Were Like a Video Game

  1. ouchies says:

    Yeah, I’d say this one’s better suited for lesbians. If I gave that thing to my boyfriend, he’d start making super-unsexy Skyrim (sounds hotter than it is, trust me) references in bed, and then I’d have to leave him.

  2. ouchies says:

    Also, I’m pretty selfish when it comes to sex. If he’s gonna be pleasuring me, it’s gonna be for ME goddammit! Not for his own sense of gaming victory when he realizes he can give me an orgasm with a controller.

  3. Bret B says:

    The best part about this is that in the video is that he messes up the rhythm. That’s -50 points +5minutes, and a dirty look.

  4. dildographer says:

    Ouchies: Good point: Orgasms might not be as satisfying if you knew that your boyfriend were just giving it to you to win points in an MMORPG.

    Bret: You’re right: the messed up rhythm is an instant fail.

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