If you’re planning on giving vibrators to your relatives as Christmas presents, you might think that you’re a daring individual who is bucking tradition and upending the spirit of such a sacred holiday. I should know: When I was sixteen, I gave my cousin a vibrator for Christmas. I felt like such a rebel because I made my family so uncomfortable. But gifting vibrators for Christmas is not a new phenomenon. In fact, you could even call it an American tradition. One hundred years ago, vibrator companies promoted their products as suitable holiday gifts for brothers to buy for their sisters. And they suggested that grandchildren should buy their grandfathers violet ray machines, electrical devices that emitted purple light and came with rectal and vaginal attachments. You can still buy violet rays today, but only at sex toy stores.
So purchase that We-Vibe II for your parents without shame. Improve their sex lives. If they say that a dual-purpose g-spot vibrator and clitoral stimulator designed to be worn during intercourse is an inappropriate gift for them, direct them to my website. Blame it on me. They may be secretly contemplating divorce, and this is the one product that could save their marriage. In fact, if you don’t buy this present for your parents they will surely divorce, and you’ll only have yourself to blame.
Is your sister cranky? It’s definitely because she is having too few orgasms. You must remedy this problem. It’s your job as a brother. Buy her the I Rub My Duckie Santa Vibe. It doubles as a Christmas ornament, and it looks like a children’s toy, so nobody will think you’re creepy for purchasing it for her.
Is your brother getting on your nerves? It’s most likely because he’s sick of masturbating with his hand. Buy him the Tenga 3D Masturbation Sleeve. Not only is it one of the most highly rated masturbation sleeves, but also it looks like it was designed by Frank Gehry, so he can set it on his shelf and claim that he bought it at MoMa.
If you don’t buy your family sex toys for Christmas, this will be the result: