I don’t consider myself a connoisseur of anything aside from chewing gum (side note: I recommend Dentyne Pure Mint with melon accents). So when people argue about whether it’s best to serve Chardonnay or Pinot Grigio with grilled lemon-caper swordfish, I roll my eyes and fantasize about interrupting their discussion with the orchestral sounds of my iFart app. Maybe someday I’ll learn to appreciate wine that doesn’t come out of a box, but in the meantime, I’m more interested in the alarming similarities between lubricant and vodka flavors. The overlap is stunning and bizarre. But I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised considering that both products began their commercial lives as flavorless, colorless liquids lacking in brand identities.
Both vodka and sexual lubricants come in the following flavors, so if you’re feeling adventurous, you should partake of a classy Saturday-night vodka and lubricant pairing:
I don’t understand why Americans have an urge to wrap their adult vices in the patina of childhood. Because I have the mentality of a socially stunted five-year-old and I frequently eat heavy cream-drenched OOPS! All Berries for dinner, I can understand the appeal of alcohol that tastes like candy and lubricants engineered to taste like pastries. But I have always believed myself to be an outlier, like Oskar from The Tin Drum, who at age three, wills himself to stop growing, so that he remains a child his entire life. I never thought that a significant portion of the U.S. population was also stuck in a protracted childhood.
Even though 87% of my diet consists of refined sugar, I believe that genitals shouldn’t taste like bakery goods, childhood treats, or breakfast meats. Danger lurks in a cookie dough-flavored penis. It’s a double-edged sword: if the lube flavoring is authentic and delicious, the fellator will have to suppress the urge to chomp on the fellatee’s penis. And if, in the more likely scenario, the lube flavor is artificial and cloying, the penis will taste like fluoride treatment which will destroy the already perilous erotic atmosphere of the bedroom.
Instead of purchasing a $10 bottle of Red Velvet Kissable Lubricant to slather all over your boyfriend’s testicles you should visit Denny’s where you can devour the only type of red velvet-flavored spongy balls that should ever enter your mouth: Denny’s $1.99 Red Velvet Pancake Puppies.