Monthly Archives: January 2012

Nobody Ever Said: “When I grow up, I want to have a loose vagina.”

 The Intensity Vibrator. Image from Jopen’s website.

Like all women, sometimes I wonder if my vagina is properly toned. I don’t spend too much time worrying about it because I have more important things to concern myself with like how to best utilize Princess Peach’s new flying capabilities in Mario Kart 3DS. But I probably should devote more of my life to strengthening my PC muscles, because when women age, their vaginal muscles lose tone, and there’s nothing worse than having a loose vagina (except for poverty, AIDS, unemployment, and bubonic plague). Not only is having a loose vagina unpleasant for your sexual partner, but it also can impact your own sexual pleasure. Strengthening your vaginal muscles increases the intensity of your orgasms. And if you assume  that nobody thinks you have a loose vagina, you could be dead wrong. Curb Your Enthusiasm has a classic episode devoted to this issue, in which Jeff’s former lover confides in Larry that Jeff has a small penis. When Larry relays this information to Jeff, Jeff claims that, in fact, it is not his penis that is the cause of the problem, but it is her enormous vagina. This causes Larry to famously exclaim: “Those big vagina ladies are getting away with murder!”

Most women are aware that they should be doing kegels, but it’s easy to get lazy and forget to do them. So how do you motivate a woman to strengthen her vagina? By creating a vaginal strengthening device that also doubles as an amazingly powerful sex toy. Enter Jopen’s award-winning Intensity vibrator. If the Reebok Pump had a threesome with the Rabbit and an early 20th century Heidelberg Electric Belt this would be the result. The bright pink vibrator contains an inflatable shaft with a g-spot vibrator and two electrodes, a rabbit-shaped clitoral stimulator, and a control panel that would baffle me even if I weren’t sexually aroused, but especially if I were. The control panel is in the bulbous base of the toy. It contains an inflation pump, an air valve release, LED lights, and five different buttons to control the vibrators and the electrodes. Yes, just writing about the operation of this vibrator confuses the shit out of me. However, a lot of sex toys have multiple controls, so that’s not necessarily a deal-breaker for me. But it gets even more complicated. You have to put two different types of lubricants on it before you insert it in your vagina: a water-based lube and electrode-stimulating gel. You then inflate the toy, turn on the electrodes, and activate the two vibrators. You are absolutely not supposed to turn on the electrodes before inserting it in your vagina, but Jopen mysteriously never explains why. I assume that turning on the electrodes prior to insertion will set your vagina on fire.

While I like the idea of this toy, I don’t think I want to be an early adopter of the Intensity. The concept is great: You get to have an orgasm while simultaneously improving the strength of your future orgasms. But it costs $170 dollars. And I’m wary of any vibrator that comes with its own instruction manual,  requires a 10-step process to operate, and has an accompanying list of 10 warnings, including the ominous “Do not use if you have a pacemaker or defibrillator.” While I’m all for technological innovation in sex toys–in fact, Intensity’s slogan is “The Elation of Innovation”–I think that no matter how advanced the toy is, it needs a simple user interface. But if it sounds enticing to you, you can buy it here. For everybody else, you can watch this Intensity video to get an idea of how it works.

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Sex Toy Season

A Man Celebrating Sex Toy Season in his Rustic Home

It’s that time of year again, when the cold weather draws us into our cozy homes, where we put a few logs in the fire, pour ourselves a nice cup of hot chocolate, and insert newly purchased silicone phalluses into our orifices.Yes, Sex Toy Season has officially begun.

A period of time from the 1st of the year through Valentine’s Day, Sex Toy Season’s celebrants are singles who’ve made New Year’s resolutions to masturbate more efficiently and with more pleasure (I know that I’m not alone in this resolution) and couples who’ve vowed to spice up their monotonous sex lives.

During a recent trip to my neighborhood sex toy store A Woman’s Touch, I noticed multiple couples shopping for dildos together, a sign that the season was upon us. As I mentioned in an earlier post, sex toys can’t save your relationship, but they can improve a sex life that’s getting stale, or, conversely they can confirm that your relationship is dead and not even the Euphoria Prostate Massager can save it.

In honor of this season, I present you with a new sex toy review.

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Sex Toy Review: The Sasha Vibrator

Sasha: a Rabbit for the discriminating masturbator. Image from A Woman's Touch.

Introducing Sasha: a beautiful Rabbit-style vibrator with 10 speeds, all of them tasteful.

Full disclosure: I believe that the iconic Sex and the City-type Rabbit vibrator is overrated.  Sure, I like a lot of movement in my pubic area. If I could shrink the cast of Cirque de Soleil, insert them into my vagina and have them engage in nightly performances of  “Michael Jackson: The Immortal World Tour” I would. But there’s something about the original Rabbit that is a bit overwhelming. It’s as if Ron Popeil had designed it, as if it were a Showtime Rotisserie for the vagina (“Set it and Forget It”).  Sometimes a vibrator requires too much of its users. The original Rabbit has a vibrating phallus with rotating beads on it and a protruding clitoral stimulator with rabbit ears, which is where it gets its name. It usually has 9 speeds, and controls for both the clitoral and vaginal stimulators. It’s the two sets of controls and the rotating, beaded shaft that set me over the edge. The choice of speeds always leaves me thinking that I chose the wrong setting, that someone somewhere, is using the Rabbit with more skill than I ever could, and consequentially, having better orgasms. And the rotating beads manage to be both clumsy and tawdry.

The Sasha fixes all these problems. It is sleek, lacks vibrating beads, and has only one set of controls. It is made of silicone, instead of phthalate-filled “jelly” plastic (polyvinyl chloride) like the original Rabbit is. And at the tip of the penis, there is a textured pad that provides a little extra stimulation. The Sasha is a Rabbit for the discriminating masturbator, the type of woman who likes to pour herself a glass of Franzia and crank up the Michael Bolton before stimulating herself to orgasm.

The verdict: Eight out of ten clitorises. 

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Filed Under The Most Disturbing Piece of BDSM Furniture Ever Created: The Human Birdcage

The Sex and Metal Birdcage from JT's Stockroom

You know those times when you’re having sex and you think to yourself, “This would be so much more fun if I were copulating in a human-size, steel birdcage filled with metal spikes?”  Well, if you have $2,700 lying around and a desire to support the U.S. economy, you should go directly to Sex and Metal’s website to purchase this American-made burgundy birdcage.

I imagine most bird role-play scenarios as playing out like this: A captive sexual partner is locked into the cage in full-on Cee Lo Green avian regalia, clucking away for help as their whip-wielding captors make them ride on tiny unicycles like Frosty the 75-year-old  parrot who performs at Sarasota’s Jungle Gardens.  And if the captive were a male, they’d be forced to ride the unicycle while wearing this fluttering bird cock ring.

I’m assuming that most people who purchase this birdcage have something kinkier in mind, but I can’t pin down what that is. Do they role-play wing clipping? Is there some sort of head-bobbing parrot fellatio fantasy that I’m not privy to?

Clearly I’m not the target market for this enormous birdcage, but who is? I assume that it’s people who enjoy “pet play,” which is a type of BDSM activity that “involves one or more people acting as an animal with typically the submissive being the animal and the Dominant being the “Owner” and/or “Trainer,” according to Submissive Guide. Usually people act out this fantasy with “ponies, puppies and pigs.” That makes bird play fetishists a double minority: they’re the outliers of the pet play community, a community that is a small subset of the BDSM community.  So anytime you start to feel like you’ve been dealt a shitty hand in life, just think how difficult your life would be if you were a  bird play fetishist.

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