Monthly Archives: February 2012

Teledildonics: Is it Cheating?

The RealTouch Interactive Experience (image from RealTouch)

Within the next forty years, we’ll all be in polygamous relationships with sex robots. But until then we’ll have to settle for sexual partnerships with other humans, who usually expect monogamy, unconditional love, and a host of other unrealistic things. Like Dan Savage, I believe that non-monogamy can work, provided the partners are open and honest about it, and there aren’t hundreds of affairs throughout the relationship. But monogamish relationships aren’t socially acceptable, so about half of people end up cheating in their “monogamous” relationships, exposing their partners to STDs, and becoming emotionally attached to their lovers.

But what if you could still get sexual variety, yet avoid all these thorny problems? Enter RealTouch’s new product: the RealTouch Interactive Experience, an experience that involves penis-shaped joysticks, masturbation sleeves, and female models. First, let me describe the RealTouch penis sleeve. It isn’t just any penis sleeve. It’s the most technologically advanced male masturbation device in the world. It’s a motor-driven sleeve that heats up, dispenses lubricant, and syncs with adult videos. So if you’re watching a movie of Sasha Grey fellating a lucky gentlemen, the RealTouch’s four DC motors will squeeze and stroke your penis, giving you the best robotic blow job in the world. But the Interactive Experience takes this one step further. It allows the RealTouch to be operated via the internet by hot models using joysticks equipped with the same type of “captive sensing technology” found in iPad screens. Envision a nubile Eastern European teenager lightly stroking a phallic joystick, as your penis is firmly ensconced in a moist 98.6 degree cocoon that’s whirring with mechanical enthusiasm and you’ll get the idea.

The Real Touch Male Masturbator (image from Real Touch)

This type of technology isn’t brand new. In fact, it’s been around so long that it’s got its own name: teledildonics.  However, RealTouch was the first company to bring this technology to the consumer market and provide the option of paying a model to remotely bring you to orgasm. It seems like a win-win. You get your sexual variety without the thorny complications. If they had a version of the RealTouch for females, I would be the first in line, provided the “hot” models operating it were balding Jewish men who wore yarmulkes and sang Yiddish songs.

I know that not all men and women would be willing to allow their partners to have the RealTouch Interactive Experience, but I don’t know why, which leads me to this question:  Is it cheating if the person lives 1,000 miles away and is manipulating your penis via a joystick?

Of course I would answer no, but I’m not the typical woman. So I’m asking you.

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The Time That You Strapped A Dildo to Your Foot

Heeldo: "The first strap-on dildo harness for your foot." Image from Heeldo.com

In a perfect world, we’d all have dildos protruding from our limbs like porcupine quills, and lubricant dispensers dangling from our stomachs like kinky Inspector Gadgets. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 32 years of existence, it’s that the world is far from perfect. And, no matter how hard I try, I will never grow a penis. Nor will it ever become socially acceptable to go out in public arrayed in dildos. So the best I can hope for is to wear strap-on dildos in the comfort of my own home, while enjoying a bowl of Cap ‘N Crunch Berries doused in heavy cream and two percent milk.

There’s only one problem with this scenario: it’s nearly impossible to bring a cereal-filled spoon to your mouth when you have an eight-inch silicone penis jutting from your chin. But thanks to the Heeldo, I can now live out my fantasy of growing penises from my limbs like the human version of the hot-dog tree from Big Top Pee Wee. Not only would this foot-strap dildo allow me to relax in the comfort of my own home, having realized this life-long dream, but according to the Heeldo company, I could also “sit, squat, or bounce [my] way to climax while giving [my] boyfriend the best blowjob!”

In theory, this would be a win-win for all involved: fellating someone while fucking yourself with a dildo would enhance the blow job because the fellator  would be more turned on and therefore more enthusiastic about performing oral sex. In practice, I fear that it would lead to disaster. Granted, I’m not the type of person who can successfully multitask. It’s a part of the reason why I’m such a bad driver (that and the fact that I’m blonde and a woman).  I believe that fellatio is an art–see courses such as “Fabulous Fellatio: The Art of Oral Sex“–and producing great art requires a level of single-minded intensity that cannot be achieved if you are simultaneously shoving a dildo in your vagina with your foot. But I don’t doubt that some other women or men out there could learn to perfect this skill. So I’m rooting for the Heeldo to succeed. If anything, it demonstrates that the spirit of innovation is alive and well in America.

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Kris Jenner’s Vagina is Trying to Sell You Something

Kris Jenner's New Product (Image from Zestra.com)

Hearing the news about Kris Jenner’s endorsement of the sexual arousal gel Zestra filled me with conflicting emotions. On the one hand, I am always happy to see sexual products in the news; on the other hand, I don’t really want to think about Kris Jenner’s dribbly vagina being slathered with copious amounts of Zestra by Bruce’s enfeebled hand. A botanical gel that’s applied to the labia and clitoris to heighten pleasure during sexual intercourse, Zestra is supposed to give women a “rush” that causes tingling and arousal within three to five minutes of application. For most women rubbing the clitoris will provide a rush within three to five minutes, regardless of whether Zestra is being rubbed into it. That’s why in a Kinsey Institute study (sponsored by Zestra), both women using a placebo gel and women using Zestra experienced increased arousal, but women using Zestra saw a larger increase in arousal. Even though I question whether a liquid containing Evening Primrose Oil and Vitamin C can really lead to more sexual satisfaction, I’m pro-clitoral massage, so if purchasing this product leads to more clitoral massage, I’m all for it.

But what bothers me about using Kris as an endorser is that Kris says she uses Zestra to “keep monotony out of monogamy.” This declaration comes just days after revelations that she had a hot 18-month affair with a man a decade her junior while married to first husband Robert Kardashian. Clearly Kris found a better way to reduce the monotony of marriage, and that was by fucking someone else.  As I’ve previously stated, I don’t think that sex toys can fix a broken marriage, but they can improve one that’s in a rut. I’m tired of companies promoting sex toys as a way to solve the problem of monogamy. Trojan’s new campaign for their Vibrating Twister plays off of this same theme, to an even greater degree. Trojan claims their vibrator can transform your spouse into the perfect husband, one who enjoys shopping for shoes, watching bridal TV shows, and doing laundry (see video below). Basically, they’re claiming that the Vibrating Twister can convert your husband into a gay man who also enjoys fucking you. And although that’s my dream man (if he’s over 50 and looks like Larry David), I don’t hold out any hope that a vibrator, or even a butt plug could effect this change. Not even daily pegging sessions could transform a heterosexual man into a doting gay husband.

Vibrators and clitoral lotions cannot solve the intractable problem of achieving sexual satisfaction within a long-term monogamous relationship. They should not be sold as sexual talismans.  That’s setting them up for failure.  They should be sold as products that can increase your sexual pleasure during intercourse or masturbation, not as products that can rescue a miserable marriage. Sexual aid companies continue to promote their products as a part of a family-values monogamy discourse because they want to normalize sexual devices. But this discourse needs to change. Singles should be featured in sex toy ads. More gays should be featured in them. It is time to challenge the narrative that the only normal way to use a sex product is in a monogamous heterosexual relationship.

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Can a Dildo be Art?

Ten years from now, when I’m breaking ground on the Lieberman Phallological Museum and Dildo Emporium, I don’t want to be the only person in the world who believes that sex toys can rise to the level of art.  In that spirit, I will use this blog post to attempt to convince the world that some dildos, vibrators, and male masturbators should be categorized as art. The question of what art is can never, and will never be answered. So I’m not going to try to do that here. I will just use Justice Potter Stewart’s definition of pornography to define art: “I know it when I see it.”

Functional objects always have a disadvantage when it comes to being labeled as art. It seems like if something actually serves a purpose, it cannot be art. That’s why car museums are considered kitschy and museums filled with sculptures of giant human fetuses are considered high brow. And when the object has a sexual use, it’s more difficult to convince people of its artistic character, which leads to this intractable question: “If you can fuck it, is it art?”

Even if you believe that sex toys can be art, in the past 30 years most sex toys have been too ugly to be thought of as art; they’re frequently made of fluorescent jelly plastic and feature disturbing faces. But recently, some progress has been made in this industry, and companies are manufacturing beautiful sex toys. I’m not sure what caused this trend. Partly it’s the green movement, which led consumers to be concerned about the materials their products are made out of. This has caused a shift from sex toys made from phthalate-filled jelly materials to those constructed from silicone, wood, steel, and ceramics. It has also led to some accountability in the industry, which is important because the FDA doesn’t regulate sex toys.  And since you can’t try out a sex toy before you buy it, the design is extremely important. If you’re going to shove something up your ass, it better be well made.

Here are three sex toys worthy of the label art, and my speculation on their artistic inspiration:

(side note: This isn’t a comprehensive list by any means. There are at least a half-dozen other sex toy companies producing fuckable art).

DILDO

Mark Rothko’s Untitled (Yellow Red and Blue) 1953

Girard Dildo by Babes N Horny

Girard Dildo by Babes N Horny:

Made of high quality silicone, this dildo is designed to fit perfectly into Babes N’ Horny’s hand-crafted harnesses that are painstakingly constructed by a London tailor.

VIBRATOR:

And Then…Gargle Glop by Takashi Murakami

Yooo Vibrator by Fun Factory

Yooo by Fun Factory:  Appearing like an inverted Mickey Mouse insignia and available in Pop candy colors, the Yooo vibrator is playful and unique. It’s also made of silicone, has two motors, and is rechargeable.


MALE MASTURBATOR

Frank Gehry’s Dancing House

Tenga 3D Male Masturbator

 Tenga 3D: So beautiful that it would be a shame to ejaculate into it, the Tenga 3D is made of elastomer. The beautiful designs provide textured stimulation for the adventurous masturbator.

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