After months of debate, I finally decided to purchase the Trojan Vibrating Tri-phoria at Walgreens early this morning. I came to this decision after I determined that no self-respecting dildographer could carry on her profession without trying out one of the most widely marketed vibrators in the United States. Trojan is one of the few companies that advertises their vibrators on TV, so chances are if you ask the average American to name a vibrator, the Tri-phoria or the Twister is what comes to mind. I think of Trojan vibrators as either introductory vibrators for those who are too scared to enter a sex-toy store or impulse purchases for women who stumble upon them in their drugstore aisles while searching for Kotex’s new multicolored tampons . Trojan’s brand recognition allows their sex-toys to serve as gateway vibrators. If you’ve already entrusted Trojan condoms to protect you from AIDS, buying one of their vibrators just makes sense.
I surprised myself in being mildly embarrassed while purchasing this at Walgreens. Maybe it’s because I’m a regular at this Walgreens. Yes, you can be a regular nighttime shopper at a local chain drug store, and I’m proud that I’m a member of this exclusive club. Anyway,because it comes in a beautiful glossy purple package whose cover lacks any images, it’s not too embarrassing to buy.
Unfortunately, upon coming home and tearing upon the box, I discovered that the vibrator was ensconced in one of those miserable hard plastic tombs that require rarefied skill to open. I had a Larry David moment where I screamed and poked at it with a pair of old, dirty scissors. When that didn’t work, I switched to a dull steak knife, which punctured the resilient plastic, but resulted in a small cut on my pinky.
When I finally got it open, I was greeted with a vibrator, three attachments, a black silk storage bag, a lubricated “Her Pleasure” condom, and a set of instructions. My favorite of the latter was the warning that “If used during sexual intercourse, the intimate massager does not offer any protection against STIs or pregnancy.” Good to know that we should all stop trying to ward off syphilis with our anal balloon pumps.
After inserting the included AA battery into the vibrator’s flared plastic base, I was a little concerned that the toy might not be powerful enough, but after scrolling through the eight settings (five speeds and three pulse patterns), I decided that it had sufficient, although not impressive, power. Its distinguishing feature is the three interchangeable screw-on attachments. Side note: This is not a real innovation. Although this is a fairly rare feature in the 21st century vibrator world, it was common in the 1910s, when the standard was for vibrators to come packaged with four different textured rubber stimulators. These early 20th century vibrators were also infinitely more powerful than the Vibrating Triphoria, but now’s not the time to be nostalgic (yes it is).
The Verdict: The Tri-phoria earns kudos for its sheer variety of stimulatory options. Not all of the textured attachments work, but the fact that they exist gives you that rare masturbatory optimism that few vibrators can provide. If your clitoris turns up its nose at the hard plastic “stimulator tip” that has five bumps on top, then you can unscrew it and let the “soft silicone domed tip” take its place. The latter looks like a dark purple cartoon beehive, but it feels like a homunculus massaging your clitoris with a ShamWow! My favorite is the “soft silicone flickering tip,” which is really just a fancy way to describe an artificial tongue. If you close your eyes, you can pretend that it’s the 22nd Century and a friendly robot is performing cunnilingus on you. The five speeds are unnecessary. If they wanted eight different options, they should’ve gone with eight different pulse patterns. But that’s a minor quibble. The Tri-phoria serves its target audience well. It’s a versatile, moderately powerful vibrator for the novice sex-toy consumer. And even those women whose clitorises have become jaded after decades of artificial stimulation will be satisfied with at least one of its multiple attachments.