Few dildos could be called charming. Silicone and plastic versions just seem cheap and disposable. Futuristic looking steel dildos are intimidating. But wooden dildos have character. They’re the type of dildo that Henry David Thoreau would have taken with him to Walden Pond, a dildo that you’d find while foraging for wild berries in the forest, where you’d stumble upon Keebler Elves whittling phalluses with tiny knives while ensconced in their Hollow Tree®.
Given the charisma inherent in wooden sex toys, it makes sense that the most charming ones on the market are produced by a family. The fact that they’re practicing Catholics might be off-putting to some, but it’s inspiring to me. Dildo entrepreneurs Elmar Thüry and his wife and children are true iconoclasts. Although it takes moxie to be a dildographer, it takes much more courage to carry on religious traditions while also promoting sexual devices.
The Thüry family designs, hand-carves, and markets 72 varieties of sustainable wooden dildos, butt plugs, g-spot stimulators, and vibrators. Thüry says that the most common question he gets is about splinters, which he says aren’t a problem because the dildos are made from spruce wood, and treated to prevent splinters. The road to Thüry’s dildo business was paved with ornamental wooden mushrooms, which are in far less demand than sex toys. After his son pointed out the mushrooms’ likeness to the male genitals, he began manufacturing dildos. But some of the spirit of the wild mushroom lingers in their design, providing them with an old-world ethos.
The company plays on this theme, displaying their dildos in sylvan settings on their website. The dildos look like priapic forest gnomes, brimming with delicious possibility. The best dildos show the grain of the wood, which adds to their sense of timelessness. There’s something about the artisanal quality of these sex toys that makes me feel a sense of
comfort. I can see myself developing an emotional connection to these dildos. I imagine them coming to life and offering me advice, confiding in me, telling me what their hopes and dreams are.
And why shouldn’t you develop an emotional connection with your dildo? If people can form attachments with other forms of technology like smart phones, why not with a dildo? If I’m going to be shoving something in my vagina, I want it to be warm and friendly and full of charisma, like some human penises are. Nobody wants a dour dildo, a humorless utilitarian phallus that dutifully marches into the vagina with grim determination. An artificial penis should have an inviting personality. The Thürys’ Waldmichl (Forest Mike) dildo is a prime example of a charismatic sex toy. According to their website, it’s named after “an old man in a German folk song.” The old man is immortal, Thüry says. “He works again and again, like our wooden dildo.” What more could you ask from your anthropomorphized sex toys than wisdom and a strong work ethic?