Ask the Dildographer

While guiltily not working on my dissertation on Labor Day, I decided to traipse down to the bookstore and pick up a few sex advice books and magazines, a few of which contained sex toy history in them. So I ended up technically working on Labor Day, after all, which calmed my bat-shit crazy mind. Some of what I found in these books was enlightening (I learned a new fellatio technique, for example), some was disheartening (no, author of Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man, your boyfriend or husband isn’t gay if he enjoys being pegged. He’s straighter than Mitt Romney on a ski slope.), and some was essential basic anatomy that I never learned (ie. where the frenulum is).

But what these books made me realize is that people crave very basic information about sexuality and that this information is in short supply (the entire sex advice section would’ve fit on my coffee table).  The recent popularity of 50 Shades of Grey demonstrates that when the market for sex advice literature isn’t satisfied, readers will simply transform their smut into sex-advice manuals. The only problem with employing 50 Shades as a sex manual it is that it encourages the use of dangerous hardware-bought sex toys like zip ties and ropes. I don’t fault E.L. James because she didn’t intend for 50 Shades to be used as an instruction manual. But now that women are using it that way, it’s important that they apply the central message of the story to their lives–that people in love can and should have taboo-busting rough sex and not just make vanilla love to each other while pumpkin-scented candles flicker in the background–without reenacting the sex scenes using the possibly dangerous tools mentioned in the story.

I figured that I’m as good a person as any to offer this type of sex-toy advice, so I’ve decided to start a recurring Ask the Dildographer feature. Ask me anything sex-related (not just sex-toy related), no matter how bizarre or taboo you think that it is. Chances are that I’ve either tried it, thought about trying it, or read about someone who has tried it. All question-writers will remain anonymous. Send all your emails to

For the inaugural post, I’m going to go with one of the most frequent questions that I get asked in my daily life and that’s: 

I’ve never owned a vibrator before. Should I buy one? What would you recommend?

When a woman asks me this multi-pronged question, usually what she wants is reassurance that owning a vibrator won’t brand her as a pathetic woman who spends most of her time perfecting her Bumpits!, trimming her calluses, and lamenting the sad state of her single existence. First off, Bumpits! are amazing, I have a ton of calluses and being single is fan-fucking-tastic. But even if you don’t agree with me on these points, owning a vibrator is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact you should be ashamed that you’ve never owned one. If you’ve never purchased a vibrator, your vagina is probably currently on Vaginabook™ updating its status with snarky comments about its owner’s inattentiveness to its labial needs.

So how do you please your poor, deprived vagina? You know your vagina best, so you probably know if you enjoy clitoral stimulation on its own, clitoral stimulation with vaginal stimulation, or G-spot stimulation. Once you’ve figured this out (if you’re unsure, go with a clitoral vibrator first and work up from there), it’s time to determine what materials you want your sex toy to be made out of. A safe bet is always go with something that is non-porous and can be sterilized. I’d recommend silicone or hard plastic, but not PVC (which frequently has phthalates in it) for your first toy. Always use lube with your toys, and if you’re using silicone toys, you can’t use a silicone lube.

But I still haven’t answered your question: What sex toy should you get? If I were shopping with you, this is what I’d recommend. All are inexpensive, well-made vibrators for the novice. Click on the images to find out where to purchase them.

Clitoral Stimulator

The Doc Johnson Pocket Rocket Plus. $34.95


Clitoral and Vaginal Stimulator  

The Sasha or Lia Vibrator

The Sasha Vibrator (aka the Lia Dia-Stimulator Vibrator) $48.95.

For a full review of the Sasha click here.          

G-Spot Stimulator

Slimline G

The Slimline G $19.95

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: