Category Archives: Dildographer

The Time That You Strapped A Dildo to Your Foot

Heeldo: "The first strap-on dildo harness for your foot." Image from Heeldo.com

In a perfect world, we’d all have dildos protruding from our limbs like porcupine quills, and lubricant dispensers dangling from our stomachs like kinky Inspector Gadgets. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 32 years of existence, it’s that the world is far from perfect. And, no matter how hard I try, I will never grow a penis. Nor will it ever become socially acceptable to go out in public arrayed in dildos. So the best I can hope for is to wear strap-on dildos in the comfort of my own home, while enjoying a bowl of Cap ‘N Crunch Berries doused in heavy cream and two percent milk.

There’s only one problem with this scenario: it’s nearly impossible to bring a cereal-filled spoon to your mouth when you have an eight-inch silicone penis jutting from your chin. But thanks to the Heeldo, I can now live out my fantasy of growing penises from my limbs like the human version of the hot-dog tree from Big Top Pee Wee. Not only would this foot-strap dildo allow me to relax in the comfort of my own home, having realized this life-long dream, but according to the Heeldo company, I could also “sit, squat, or bounce [my] way to climax while giving [my] boyfriend the best blowjob!”

In theory, this would be a win-win for all involved: fellating someone while fucking yourself with a dildo would enhance the blow job because the fellator  would be more turned on and therefore more enthusiastic about performing oral sex. In practice, I fear that it would lead to disaster. Granted, I’m not the type of person who can successfully multitask. It’s a part of the reason why I’m such a bad driver (that and the fact that I’m blonde and a woman).  I believe that fellatio is an art–see courses such as “Fabulous Fellatio: The Art of Oral Sex“–and producing great art requires a level of single-minded intensity that cannot be achieved if you are simultaneously shoving a dildo in your vagina with your foot. But I don’t doubt that some other women or men out there could learn to perfect this skill. So I’m rooting for the Heeldo to succeed. If anything, it demonstrates that the spirit of innovation is alive and well in America.

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Nobody Ever Said: “When I grow up, I want to have a loose vagina.”

 The Intensity Vibrator. Image from Jopen’s website.

Like all women, sometimes I wonder if my vagina is properly toned. I don’t spend too much time worrying about it because I have more important things to concern myself with like how to best utilize Princess Peach’s new flying capabilities in Mario Kart 3DS. But I probably should devote more of my life to strengthening my PC muscles, because when women age, their vaginal muscles lose tone, and there’s nothing worse than having a loose vagina (except for poverty, AIDS, unemployment, and bubonic plague). Not only is having a loose vagina unpleasant for your sexual partner, but it also can impact your own sexual pleasure. Strengthening your vaginal muscles increases the intensity of your orgasms. And if you assume  that nobody thinks you have a loose vagina, you could be dead wrong. Curb Your Enthusiasm has a classic episode devoted to this issue, in which Jeff’s former lover confides in Larry that Jeff has a small penis. When Larry relays this information to Jeff, Jeff claims that, in fact, it is not his penis that is the cause of the problem, but it is her enormous vagina. This causes Larry to famously exclaim: “Those big vagina ladies are getting away with murder!”

Most women are aware that they should be doing kegels, but it’s easy to get lazy and forget to do them. So how do you motivate a woman to strengthen her vagina? By creating a vaginal strengthening device that also doubles as an amazingly powerful sex toy. Enter Jopen’s award-winning Intensity vibrator. If the Reebok Pump had a threesome with the Rabbit and an early 20th century Heidelberg Electric Belt this would be the result. The bright pink vibrator contains an inflatable shaft with a g-spot vibrator and two electrodes, a rabbit-shaped clitoral stimulator, and a control panel that would baffle me even if I weren’t sexually aroused, but especially if I were. The control panel is in the bulbous base of the toy. It contains an inflation pump, an air valve release, LED lights, and five different buttons to control the vibrators and the electrodes. Yes, just writing about the operation of this vibrator confuses the shit out of me. However, a lot of sex toys have multiple controls, so that’s not necessarily a deal-breaker for me. But it gets even more complicated. You have to put two different types of lubricants on it before you insert it in your vagina: a water-based lube and electrode-stimulating gel. You then inflate the toy, turn on the electrodes, and activate the two vibrators. You are absolutely not supposed to turn on the electrodes before inserting it in your vagina, but Jopen mysteriously never explains why. I assume that turning on the electrodes prior to insertion will set your vagina on fire.

While I like the idea of this toy, I don’t think I want to be an early adopter of the Intensity. The concept is great: You get to have an orgasm while simultaneously improving the strength of your future orgasms. But it costs $170 dollars. And I’m wary of any vibrator that comes with its own instruction manual,  requires a 10-step process to operate, and has an accompanying list of 10 warnings, including the ominous “Do not use if you have a pacemaker or defibrillator.” While I’m all for technological innovation in sex toys–in fact, Intensity’s slogan is “The Elation of Innovation”–I think that no matter how advanced the toy is, it needs a simple user interface. But if it sounds enticing to you, you can buy it here. For everybody else, you can watch this Intensity video to get an idea of how it works.

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Sex Toy Season

A Man Celebrating Sex Toy Season in his Rustic Home

It’s that time of year again, when the cold weather draws us into our cozy homes, where we put a few logs in the fire, pour ourselves a nice cup of hot chocolate, and insert newly purchased silicone phalluses into our orifices.Yes, Sex Toy Season has officially begun.

A period of time from the 1st of the year through Valentine’s Day, Sex Toy Season’s celebrants are singles who’ve made New Year’s resolutions to masturbate more efficiently and with more pleasure (I know that I’m not alone in this resolution) and couples who’ve vowed to spice up their monotonous sex lives.

During a recent trip to my neighborhood sex toy store A Woman’s Touch, I noticed multiple couples shopping for dildos together, a sign that the season was upon us. As I mentioned in an earlier post, sex toys can’t save your relationship, but they can improve a sex life that’s getting stale, or, conversely they can confirm that your relationship is dead and not even the Euphoria Prostate Massager can save it.

In honor of this season, I present you with a new sex toy review.

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If Only Foreplay Were Like a Video Game

The Remote-Controlled Lyla Vibrator. Image from Lelo.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Few women could resist a product that is designed to make foreplay more enjoyable for their partners. And there’s no better way to get a man or woman interested in foreplay than to turn your vagina into a video game. So I was very excited when I first heard about the $139 Lyla vibrator that is controlled through a wireless Wii-like motion-sensitive remote. In theory, the idea seems great. You hand the tiny remote to your partner, and they artfully maneuver the hot pink egg-shaped vibrator around your vagina while you become increasingly aroused. I imagined it to be like a vaginal Roomba, minus the cleaning ability. I visualized it zipping around, sensually grasping the genital walls with a charming robotic glee.  Then I discovered that the remote only allows the user to control the speed of vibration, not the direction the vibrator moves in.  But that can still be sexy, I told myself, in a spirit of optimism that is fueled by my daily ingestion of 200 mg of Zoloft and 150 mg of Wellbutrin.

Well, it’s not sexy. In fact, it’s the opposite of sexy (see video below). If the thought of your boyfriend operating your vibrator as if he were barreling down the Rainbow Road track of Mario Kart in a recently unlocked Bullet Bike turns you on, then the Lyla is for you. I could see this vibrator being popular if you could actually play your girlfriend’s vagina like a video game, and the results were uploaded to the internet. The scoring would go something like this:

50 points for every orgasm produced in under 10 minutes

25 points for every other orgasm produced

5 points for every time you play for at least three minutes

When you’ve accumulated 1,000 points, the Lyla would magically sprout wings and fly into your lover’s vagina.

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Why All Men Should Own a Strap-On Vagina

The Original Vee-String Vagina Prosthesis

When someone utters the word “strap-on,” I immediately picture a butch lesbian clad in a black leather harness with an enormous purple dildo protruding from her crotch. “Strap-on” possesses a masculine quality; it is reminiscent of the Snap-on Tools Company. A strap-on is imposing and intimidating; it’s a phallic bludgeon that destroys anything in its sight. But during my Thanksgiving vacation with my family, I came upon a strap-on of whose existence I was unaware. It was a strap-on that shattered my worldview, making me question the motivations behind the eternal human desire to create faux genitalia. Yes, I’m talking about a strap-on vagina.

You may ask yourself, “Why would any man want to cover his regal scepter with a flapping mass of labia, clitoris, and hidden urethra, a damp, mysterious cavern whose inner being was not revealed until the 1960s when Masters and Johnson deigned to spelunk inside this enigmatic organ with their camera-equipped dildo.  As a lifelong penis enviest, it is difficult for me to comprehend. If only I had been born with a  penis, I sometimes think, I would have written 15 books by now, received an M.D., and invented a better heating lamp for buffet food. But the genitals that other people have always seem more pleasurable than our own. Even men who love their penises have doubts that they have the best penis. Are uncircumcised men having better orgasms than I have? The cut man asks. Is my penis big enough to give my partners pleasure? Asks every man. So I will reluctantly concede that I understand why a man would want to experiment with a strap-on vagina. They came into the world through the vagina and spend their lives trying to get back into them: why wouldn’t they want to try one on for size if given the chance?

I now present you with the unfortunately named Vee-string Vagina Prosthesis, available in Original, Virgin, Masturbator, Sheath, and Bladder styles.  Made of latex, the vagina is customizable with seven different pubic hair colors and two different hairstyles. The most interesting and useful version of this strap-on vagina is the Masturbator. It has a hole for a man to insert his penis where the clitoris would be, allowing a man to truly understand what it’s like to be a woman.  The Masturbator should be given to all boys at the onset of adolescence as a training tool for their future sexual experiences with women. Even though most men recognize intellectually that the clitoris is the seat of female pleasure, subconsciously they insist that this is not the case. Only through the bodily experience of possessing a clitoris would a man truly comprehend female sexuality. If Freud had owned a strap-on vagina, he would never have invented the myth of the vaginal orgasm.

—Hallie Lieberman

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Can You Love a Sex Robot?

Roxxxy the Sex Robot, being ignored by her technophile romantic partner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In my routine Google search for “sex robots,” I stumbled upon Roxxxy. She received a lot of press last year when she was unveiled at the Adult Entertainment Expo. Roxxxy is a 60-pound sex robot with “veins” and “bones.” She can’t walk, but she can talk, thrust her hips back and forth, and bob her head up and down. Her vagina, anus, and mouth are motor-driven and touch sensitive. Created by Douglas Hines, an engineer with an interest in artificial intelligence, she’s programmed with five personalities, including Frigid Farrah and S&M Susan. However, what’s really interesting about Roxxxy isn’t how realistic she is (she’s not), it’s Hines’ perception of his sex robot that took him nine years to develop:

“What we offer is companionship. Unconditional love. When people say, ‘Oh, you create robots or sex robots,’ they’re right. We do create a product that provides that functionality,  but the reality is what we’re doing is we’re giving someone who doesn’t have somebody to love, someone to talk to, a confidante.”

This led me to wonder, can you love a robot? David Levy addresses this issue in Love and Sex with Robots. His answer is unequivocally, yes. Humans can get attached to inanimate objects like their computers, he says. Once the attachment begins, the computer owner begins to think that their mass-produced computer is a unique object; it is special because it is theirs. But falling in love with a robot requires more than just attachment, according to Levy.  He posits that there are “three routes to falling in love with robots”:

1. Loving robots because they’re just like us. “Robots will become more and more human in appearance and personality, encouraging us to like and love them.”

2. Loving robots because you have technophilia (“a love for machines and technology.”)

3. Loving robots because you’re a social outcast who can’t have relationships with people.

Although the idea sounds preposterous, some elderly seem to love their  baby harp seal robots. But I’m not sure that our technology has progressed to the point where we could love a robot in the same way that we would love a real person. However, that doesn’t stop Hines’ from trying. On his company’s website TrueCompanion.com, there’s a FAQ on how to seduce your sex robot:

For a date, what kind of place would Roxxxy like to go and which personality would you suggest be turned on for this kind of romantic setting? 

She is comfortable staying home and watching a movie or ordering dinner to be delivered.

She would love to talk or get down to “business” with you, interacting with you all the time!

As far as the personality to select, it is up to you – if you want to take it easy, “Frigid Farrah” would love to hang out with you and make small talk. But if you are feeling frisky, “Wild Wendy” will do the trick!

I would love to love a robot. Dating robots could solve a lot of relationship problems. They’re always ready for sex. They never age. They only say what you want them to say:

“She also has a personality which is matched exactly as much as possible to your personality. So she likes what you like, dislikes what you dislike, etc. She also has moods during the day just like real people! She can be sleepy, conversational or she can “be in the mood”!”

I don’t know if I could fall in love with a robot even if I programmed it to be the male Hallie (there’s a male version of Roxxxy called Rocky). It’s hard enough to tell people that you’re gay in our society, let alone tell them that you’re in love with a robot. And what if I loved Roxxxy more than Rocky? Would I be doubly judged for being in love with a lesbian robot dildographer?

Don’t watch this video unless you want to be scarred for life:


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The World’s First Alarm Clock For Your Genitals

Photo by Gyuri Szabo at finfoto.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have you ever showed up late to a meeting and thought, “If only I had had an alarm clock wedged against my vagina, I would’ve been on time?” I know I have. That’s why I’m certain that this Little Rooster alarm clock is destined to be a best seller.

To use this vibrating alarm clock, you place it on “your pubic mound,” while “the vibrating leg rests against your clitoris and labia.” I’m not sure how you are supposed to ignore this as you’re falling asleep, but Little Rooster’s website assures you that “most women become completely unaware of the Little Rooster within a minute of slipping it into their knickers.”

When it’s time to get up, the alarm clock starts vibrating slowly at first, and then its two motors begin to vibrate more intensely. If you become so aroused that you don’t feel like getting up, you just hit “snorgasm” mode and it pleasures you for 10 minutes. Since most people fall asleep after their orgasms, the idea that an orgasm would awaken you from a deep slumber is a little counterintuitive to me. And it seems like The Little Rooster doesn’t have a back-up alarm for those who naturally fall into a post-masturbatory slumber. Maybe there needs to be a separate Little Rooster alarm for your anus that zaps you if you don’t get up within five minutes of your snorgasm.

Design flaws aside, I have to credit the company for their hyperbolic ad copy. The only thing better than inventing and marketing a genital alarm clock is coming up with claims like this: “The Little Rooster is the most considerate alarm clock in the world.  If only altruism were always this much joy.”

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I Need Your Help Again: Which Celebrities Should Be Promoting Sex Toys?

The world will most likely never see a Larry David dildo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few days ago  Lindsay Lohan was offered a $1 million dollar endorsement deal by the Fleshlight sex-toy company. All she has to do is allow them to make a mold out of her vagina, which they will then fill with silicone, encase in an industrial plastic tube, and peddle to hardcore Herbie Fully Loaded fans. I can’t imagine that there would be a huge market for this, considering that her genitals wouldn’t win any beauty contests, but it did lead me to wonder which celebrities would be better suited to promoting sex toys.

Although Lindsay hasn’t publicly said whether she’ll help market a silicone likeness of her genitals, two other D-list celebrities have sex toy lines in the works: Phil Varone, star of Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew and a former drummer of the band Skid Row and The Real Housewives of Atlanta star Kandi Burruss.  The thought of owning a silicone replica of Varone’s penis or a clitoral stimulator inspired by Burruss doesn’t thrill me, but there are a number of celebrities whose genitals I would race out of the house to purchase. Of course I would love to see a Larry David dildo, but unfortunately that would have limited appeal. I know this because I belong to the Facebook group “Larry David– the Sexiest Man Alive,” and it only has five members.

No A-list celebrities have sex-toy lines, but they have no problem promoting products like lingerie (watch Bob Dylan’s bizarre Victoria’s Secret ad here) and acne medication (Jessica Simpson, Katy Perry, and Justin Bieber have all endorsed Proactiv). I think that if they’re willing to publicly declare their acne problems, they should also feel comfortable discussing their love of waterproof vibrators. I want to see Salma Hayek endorsing a line of nipple clamps, Leonardo DiCaprio hawking prostate stimulators, and Ryan Gosling peddling his lifelike dildos in the Special Features section on The Ides of March DVD. The only way to banish the sex-toy stigma in America is to have people like Justin Timberlake endorsing them. Which A-listers would you like to see promoting sex toys?

—Hallie Lieberman

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This is The Most Disturbing Sex Toy That I’ve Ever Seen

The Fuck My Face! Mega Masturbator

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I usually don’t judge people’s sexual proclivities. I judge everything else about a person, but not that. Nobody can control what type of sexual activity or pornography gets them off. As long as the sex act involves willing partners, I’m all for it. But if you watch this video of the Fuck My Face! Mega Masturbator and think to yourself, “Where has this been all my life? I’ve always wanted to attach a woman’s disembodied Fanta-Flesh head to the tile in my shower and insert my penis into its mouth, while pulling on her real blonde hair that I’ve lovingly styled myself,” then you need to take a deep breath and evaluate your life choices, before fucking this face.

And I might as well mention how disturbing the ad copy is for this device. Here’s a sample from Pipedream Product’s website:

“Pull her hair, smack her face, and shove your hard-on halfway down her trachea!”

“Every lifelike detail is captured in this replica Fanta-Flesh honey, from her blinkable eyes rolling back into her head, to her extra long windpipe wrapping around every inch of your pleasure rod!”

For some reason this is the creepiest pitch of them all:

“You can even curl or straighten her hair and give her your favorite hair style”

— Hallie Lieberman

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Halloween Sex Toy Roundup

With Halloween only thirteen days away, I thought it was time to explore the world of fantastical, Halloween-themed sex toys. Since most women over the age of 12 use Halloween as an excuse to dress like down market hookers who hang out at the local  7-11 offering hand jobs to passing motorists for $7.50 plus tips, Halloween might as well be the nation’s official sex holiday. So, when you are picking up your slutty football referee costume in preparation for October 31st, why don’t you also spring for something even more daring: a bright blue silicone alien penis.

Side note: All my life I’ve lived in fear of being sexually assaulted by aliens. That’s what happens when you grow up with a mother who moonlights as an amateur ufologist, so I’ve decided that the best way to face this fantasy is to take a preemptive strike by purchasing an extraterrestrial dildo. An advertisement for the male alien masturbator is below.

If aliens aren’t your thing, there are other monster-themed sex toys that might appeal to you. If you’ve had a secret urge to purchase a dildo modeled after rotting human flesh, now’s your chance.  You can pass it off as a “gag” purchase, even if, in reality, you have an intense zombie sex fantasy involving a bucket of gummy organs, two tubes of Neosporin, and a kiddie pool.

With that being said, here is a slide show of the major Halloween-themed sex toys. Descriptions and a price list are below.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Alien

1. Man Eaters From Outer Space Waterproof Vibrator $29: This is the most adorable male sex toy that I’ve ever seen. It’s a rotund green vibrating cyclops with a wide open mouth.

2. Alien Fleshlight $63.71: See ad above

3. Alien Dildo $63.71 See ad above

Cyborg

1. Cyborg Fleshlight $63.71. Unfortunately, this one is a little disappointing. It’s unclear what is robotic about this artificial vagina.  If only Fleshlight had consulted with a robotics engineer or Donna Haraway, this would be a masterpiece.

2. Purple Cyborg Dildo: Ditto.

Devil

1. Devil Duckie Vibrator $16: This looks better than it feels. Trust me on this.

2. Devil Dildo: A meticulously crafted silicone delight. I bet the devil himself would endorse this if he knew about it.

Frankenstein

1. Frankenstein Fleshlight $63.71: If the thought of masturbating into a pink vagina that is supposed to look like it has been torn apart than sewed back up again (but in actuality looks like a baseball) turns you on, then your dreams have been answered.

2. Frankenstein Dildo $63.71: When I was an adolescent, I felt a kinship with Frankenstein (Mary Shelley‘s version). He’s not trying to hurt anyone, but he’s always accidentally destroying his surroundings. I’ve never wanted to have sex with him, but if I did I still wouldn’t buy this because the silicone bolts molded on to the dildo look dangerous. And, it is “intended for external use only.” Therefore, it’s useless as a dildo, but fantastic as a conversation piece.

Zombie

1. Zombie Fleshlight $63.71  With it’s pock-marked contours, this pink faux vagina really captures the spirit of undead  sex.

2. Zombie Dildo $63.71  The sinewy grey silicone dildo looks undead, yet appealing.

3. Necronomicox’s Zombie Dildo about $125: With yellow rotting flesh dripping off of the penis head and bright red veins tearing through the grey flesh, this dildo only appeals to hardcore fetishists.

Vampire

1. Fang Banger Waterproof Vibrating Cock Ring $20: The fang banger is a remarkably unimaginative Halloween-themed sex toy. The only evidence that this is a vampire cock ring is that it’s red, and it has fang banger in the title.

2. Succu Dry Fleshlight Sex in a Can Masturbator $52: Most people can only dream of receiving fellatio from a be-fanged creature. This Fleshlight delivers on that fantasy with a soft fang mouth, and “fang-shaped nubs” on the interior of the sleeve.

3. Death by Orgasm Vampire Bullet $15:  It’s just a vibrating bullet in a coffin, but the bullet is so versatile, such a classic toy, that there’s no way you can tire of it.

4. Drac Fleshlight $63.71 If you’ve ever wanted to engage in sexual intercourse with a woman whose vagina is shaped like a bat, you should buy this.

5. Drac Dildo $63.71: I’m not sure that someone whose vagina tingles for Eric Northman would get off on using this. Actually, I’m sure no woman would ever mistake this shiny, blood-red penis for that of Alexander Skarsgard.

Posted by Hallie Lieberman

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