Category Archives: Male Sex Toy

Is This What Men Want?

The Newest in Masturbation Technology

When you’re the type of company that churns out male masturbation devices that look like decapitated heads, it’s kind of difficult to top yourself. So, what is Pipedream Products to do?  Create the Mega Fuck Slut Mega Masturbator; that’s what. Weighing twenty-five pounds and constructed with thermo-plastic rubber, The Mega Fuck Slut is a limbless torso with both anal and vaginal orifices, which appears to be more at home in a Saw movie than on your kitchen counter (or wherever one keeps such things). According to Pipedream Products, this sex toy came about through customer demand. Customers wanted both a “front and a back side of a torso” to copulate with.  I’m not sure if they requested that it lack appendages, but I’m assuming that they did because a plethora of fully limbed blow-up dolls already exist. Why would a man want to copulate with a limbless large-breasted plastic woman? If I knew the answer to that, I’d have won a MacArthur Genius Grant by now. It seems like this sex toy would only appeal to heterosexual male serial killers, but I doubt that there are enough around to make this masturbator a profitable enterprise. If these were cheaper, I’d suggest sending one to Rush Limbaugh so that he could learn the true meaning of slut,  but at $1,567.50it’s not worth it.

Even though the Mega Fuck Slut may be abhorrent to 99% of the population, its promotional video can teach us important lessons about what not to do when marketing a giant sex toy. Here are the three biggest marketing mistakes in the Mega Fuck Slut Mega Masturbator video:

1. Inexplicable Censorship of Packaging On the packaging  of the box, the real breasts of  the human model are censored with a fluorescent green bar, yet the plastic breasts, vagina, and anus of the artificial woman are considered acceptable enough to be fully displayed, as is the obscene name of the product.

2. Failure to Demonstrate a Product’s Attributes The demonstrator gets out a measuring tape to measure the mega masturbator’s length and width but doesn’t show anybody the actual measurements.

3. Making Dubious Assumptions About the Target Market He presumes that every man has an “enema hose” in his shower.

When will companies learn that a 27-inch long fuckable headless torso with anal and vaginal openings doesn’t just sell itself?

http://www.pipedreamproducts.com/jwplayer/player.swf

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Every Fetish Deserves Its Own Sex Toy

The My First Pregnant “Knocked Up” Masturbator.

Being a pregnancy fetishist must not be easy. Although the media frequently promotes the image of the sexy pregnant woman, it directs this message to other women to imply that they too can be sexy while with child. There is a vast gulf between a beaming Snooki on the cover of this week’s Us Weekly and a porn video of Snooki’s fiance Jionni having sex with her while she’s with child. Most people are extremely creeped out by the latter. For some reason, it’s socially acceptable for a pregnant woman to be portrayed as sexy, but not as an object of male sexual desire. I sympathize with those cyesolagniasts (the scientific term for pregnancy fetishists) out there, because they have to hide their fetish and risk rejection by their girlfriends if it’s revealed. So when I stumbled upon the newly released My 1st Pregnant Knocked Up Pussy, I was pleased to see that a sex toy company was taking this fetish seriously. Until now, the only sex toy for cyesolagniasts was the Pregnant Fantasies Love Doll,a $20, inflatable PVC doll whose package features a circa 1973 image of a thong-clad Laura Dern-type woman holding a rose to her belly with long strings of pearls wrapped around her neck. The only Amazon review of it (from guilty pleasure) is a work of beauty:

This is a cheap doll (and you get a decent pregnant DVD in the deal) if you don’t expect too much you won’t be disappointed. The shape is correct, not a fatty doll, the head is ghastly (I put a pair of panties over it) and a small leak sprung the second time it was blown up (patch repaired it). That said, it is the ONLY pregnant sex doll I know of and for the price, I would buy it again.

The Venus of Willendorf: An ancient prototype for the pregnancy masturbation sleeve.

Guilty pleasure’s review demonstrates that maiesiophiliasts (yes, this fetish is so common that two terms for it exist ) are so desperate for sex toys that they’ll repeatedly purchase defective blow-up dolls to satisfy their fetish. But I doubt the My 1st Pregnant Knocked Up Pussy will satisfy them, unless their particular fetish involves fucking a headless Venus of Willendorf. The My 1st Pregnant Knocked Up Pussy masturbator sleeve is only six inches long and it features a torso of a spread-legged miniature pregnant woman with a tiny vagina and tiny anus that the user is supposed to stick his dick into. On the plus side, the sleeve vibrates and Nasstoys brags that the masturbator is RoHS (The Restriction of Hazardous Substances Directive) complaint, a standard developed in the European Union to certify that a device is free of six harmful substances.

In an overly ambitious press release, the Nasstoys company is optimistic that their masturbator could not only satisfy cyesolagniasts’ demands, but also manufacture this fetish in the rest of the male population:

We can also create a new fantasy for men to explore, who hadn’t previously thought about it. Fertility reminds men of virility and when men feel virile they get better erections. This is an erotic fantasy that goes deep into our mammal psyches. We’re already hearing a big buzz about these and expect them to be big sellers for retailers.

Unfortunately for Nasstoys, a male masturbation sleeve in the shape of a homunculus torso is unlikely to captivate the male sexual imagination, let alone create previously unknown desires.

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Can a Dildo be Art?

Ten years from now, when I’m breaking ground on the Lieberman Phallological Museum and Dildo Emporium, I don’t want to be the only person in the world who believes that sex toys can rise to the level of art.  In that spirit, I will use this blog post to attempt to convince the world that some dildos, vibrators, and male masturbators should be categorized as art. The question of what art is can never, and will never be answered. So I’m not going to try to do that here. I will just use Justice Potter Stewart’s definition of pornography to define art: “I know it when I see it.”

Functional objects always have a disadvantage when it comes to being labeled as art. It seems like if something actually serves a purpose, it cannot be art. That’s why car museums are considered kitschy and museums filled with sculptures of giant human fetuses are considered high brow. And when the object has a sexual use, it’s more difficult to convince people of its artistic character, which leads to this intractable question: “If you can fuck it, is it art?”

Even if you believe that sex toys can be art, in the past 30 years most sex toys have been too ugly to be thought of as art; they’re frequently made of fluorescent jelly plastic and feature disturbing faces. But recently, some progress has been made in this industry, and companies are manufacturing beautiful sex toys. I’m not sure what caused this trend. Partly it’s the green movement, which led consumers to be concerned about the materials their products are made out of. This has caused a shift from sex toys made from phthalate-filled jelly materials to those constructed from silicone, wood, steel, and ceramics. It has also led to some accountability in the industry, which is important because the FDA doesn’t regulate sex toys.  And since you can’t try out a sex toy before you buy it, the design is extremely important. If you’re going to shove something up your ass, it better be well made.

Here are three sex toys worthy of the label art, and my speculation on their artistic inspiration:

(side note: This isn’t a comprehensive list by any means. There are at least a half-dozen other sex toy companies producing fuckable art).

DILDO

Mark Rothko’s Untitled (Yellow Red and Blue) 1953

Girard Dildo by Babes N Horny

Girard Dildo by Babes N Horny:

Made of high quality silicone, this dildo is designed to fit perfectly into Babes N’ Horny’s hand-crafted harnesses that are painstakingly constructed by a London tailor.

VIBRATOR:

And Then…Gargle Glop by Takashi Murakami

Yooo Vibrator by Fun Factory

Yooo by Fun Factory:  Appearing like an inverted Mickey Mouse insignia and available in Pop candy colors, the Yooo vibrator is playful and unique. It’s also made of silicone, has two motors, and is rechargeable.


MALE MASTURBATOR

Frank Gehry’s Dancing House

Tenga 3D Male Masturbator

 Tenga 3D: So beautiful that it would be a shame to ejaculate into it, the Tenga 3D is made of elastomer. The beautiful designs provide textured stimulation for the adventurous masturbator.

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