Category Archives: Sex Toy Review

I Wore a Vibrator During Sex So You Don’t Have To: A Review of The Newest Couples’ Sex Toy

Tiani 2

Lelo’s Tiani 2 Couples’ Vibrator.

If Charles and Ray Eames had designed vibrators, they would have looked like the Lelo Tiani 2, with its rounded corners and candy colors. I really wanted to love Lelo’s new Tiani 2 couples’ vibrator. Not only is it a valiant attempt to solve the intractable problem of the male anatomy– the inability of the penis to stimulate the clitoris during sexual intercourse–but also the device and its packaging is gorgeous. Ensconced in a sleek back rectangular box lined with velvet, the Tiani oozes luxury. It even includes a gold pin with Lelo’s logo. Maybe you’re meant to clip this pin to your lapel so that other  Tiani owners can identify each other, a hanky code for the sex-toy set.

So I approached the task of reviewing the revamped Tiani with excitement. Designed to be worn during intercourse, the Tiani 2 joins the cock ring in the pantheon of couples’ vibrators. Unlike the cock ring, the Tiani 2 attaches to the vagina, a much more difficult task, as the cock ring easily wraps around the penis like a genital wristwatch. A cavernous realm inhospitable to interlopers, the vagina is less capable of retaining sex toys within its vast, sloppy depths.

The thicker half of the Tiani 2 contains the vibrating motor; this is the part intended to be pressed up against the clitoris, while the insertable half of the vibrator (its “wearable attachment”) anchors the device in the interstices of the vagina. The Tiani 2 comes with two interchangeable attachments, one of which Lelo designed to stimulate the G-spot. Continue reading

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Sex Toy Review: The Trojan Vibrating Tri-phoria

Trojan Vibrating Triphoria

The Trojan Vibrating Triphoria, un-boxed and mysteriously standing upright. Mine couldn’t do this. (Image from trojanvibrations.com).

After months of debate, I finally decided to purchase the Trojan Vibrating Tri-phoria at Walgreens early this morning. I came to this decision after I determined that no self-respecting dildographer could carry on her profession without trying out one of the most widely marketed vibrators in the United States. Trojan is one of the few companies that advertises their vibrators on TV, so chances are if you ask the average American to name a vibrator, the Tri-phoria or the Twister is what comes to mind. I think of Trojan vibrators as either introductory vibrators for those who are too scared to enter a sex-toy store or impulse purchases for women who stumble upon them in their drugstore aisles while searching for Kotex’s new multicolored tampons . Trojan’s brand recognition allows their sex-toys to serve as gateway vibrators. If you’ve already entrusted Trojan condoms to protect you from AIDS, buying one of their vibrators just makes sense.

I surprised myself in being mildly embarrassed while purchasing this at Walgreens. Maybe it’s because I’m a regular at this Walgreens. Yes, you can be a regular nighttime shopper at a local chain drug store, and I’m proud that I’m a member of this exclusive club. Anyway,because it comes in a beautiful glossy purple package whose cover lacks any images, it’s not too embarrassing to buy.

The Trojan Vibrating Tri-Phoria

The package that almost killed me.

Unfortunately, upon coming home and  tearing upon the box, I discovered that the vibrator was ensconced in one of those miserable hard plastic tombs that require rarefied skill to open. I had a Larry David moment where I screamed and poked at it with a pair of old, dirty scissors. When that didn’t work, I switched to a dull steak knife, which punctured the resilient plastic, but resulted in a small cut on my pinky. Continue reading

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Sex Toy Review: The Sasha Vibrator

Sasha: a Rabbit for the discriminating masturbator. Image from A Woman's Touch.

Introducing Sasha: a beautiful Rabbit-style vibrator with 10 speeds, all of them tasteful.

Full disclosure: I believe that the iconic Sex and the City-type Rabbit vibrator is overrated.  Sure, I like a lot of movement in my pubic area. If I could shrink the cast of Cirque de Soleil, insert them into my vagina and have them engage in nightly performances of  “Michael Jackson: The Immortal World Tour” I would. But there’s something about the original Rabbit that is a bit overwhelming. It’s as if Ron Popeil had designed it, as if it were a Showtime Rotisserie for the vagina (“Set it and Forget It”).  Sometimes a vibrator requires too much of its users. The original Rabbit has a vibrating phallus with rotating beads on it and a protruding clitoral stimulator with rabbit ears, which is where it gets its name. It usually has 9 speeds, and controls for both the clitoral and vaginal stimulators. It’s the two sets of controls and the rotating, beaded shaft that set me over the edge. The choice of speeds always leaves me thinking that I chose the wrong setting, that someone somewhere, is using the Rabbit with more skill than I ever could, and consequentially, having better orgasms. And the rotating beads manage to be both clumsy and tawdry.

The Sasha fixes all these problems. It is sleek, lacks vibrating beads, and has only one set of controls. It is made of silicone, instead of phthalate-filled “jelly” plastic (polyvinyl chloride) like the original Rabbit is. And at the tip of the penis, there is a textured pad that provides a little extra stimulation. The Sasha is a Rabbit for the discriminating masturbator, the type of woman who likes to pour herself a glass of Franzia and crank up the Michael Bolton before stimulating herself to orgasm.

The verdict: Eight out of ten clitorises. 

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This is The Most Disturbing Sex Toy That I’ve Ever Seen

The Fuck My Face! Mega Masturbator

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I usually don’t judge people’s sexual proclivities. I judge everything else about a person, but not that. Nobody can control what type of sexual activity or pornography gets them off. As long as the sex act involves willing partners, I’m all for it. But if you watch this video of the Fuck My Face! Mega Masturbator and think to yourself, “Where has this been all my life? I’ve always wanted to attach a woman’s disembodied Fanta-Flesh head to the tile in my shower and insert my penis into its mouth, while pulling on her real blonde hair that I’ve lovingly styled myself,” then you need to take a deep breath and evaluate your life choices, before fucking this face.

And I might as well mention how disturbing the ad copy is for this device. Here’s a sample from Pipedream Product’s website:

“Pull her hair, smack her face, and shove your hard-on halfway down her trachea!”

“Every lifelike detail is captured in this replica Fanta-Flesh honey, from her blinkable eyes rolling back into her head, to her extra long windpipe wrapping around every inch of your pleasure rod!”

For some reason this is the creepiest pitch of them all:

“You can even curl or straighten her hair and give her your favorite hair style”

— Hallie Lieberman

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Halloween Sex Toy Roundup

With Halloween only thirteen days away, I thought it was time to explore the world of fantastical, Halloween-themed sex toys. Since most women over the age of 12 use Halloween as an excuse to dress like down market hookers who hang out at the local  7-11 offering hand jobs to passing motorists for $7.50 plus tips, Halloween might as well be the nation’s official sex holiday. So, when you are picking up your slutty football referee costume in preparation for October 31st, why don’t you also spring for something even more daring: a bright blue silicone alien penis.

Side note: All my life I’ve lived in fear of being sexually assaulted by aliens. That’s what happens when you grow up with a mother who moonlights as an amateur ufologist, so I’ve decided that the best way to face this fantasy is to take a preemptive strike by purchasing an extraterrestrial dildo. An advertisement for the male alien masturbator is below.

If aliens aren’t your thing, there are other monster-themed sex toys that might appeal to you. If you’ve had a secret urge to purchase a dildo modeled after rotting human flesh, now’s your chance.  You can pass it off as a “gag” purchase, even if, in reality, you have an intense zombie sex fantasy involving a bucket of gummy organs, two tubes of Neosporin, and a kiddie pool.

With that being said, here is a slide show of the major Halloween-themed sex toys. Descriptions and a price list are below.

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Alien

1. Man Eaters From Outer Space Waterproof Vibrator $29: This is the most adorable male sex toy that I’ve ever seen. It’s a rotund green vibrating cyclops with a wide open mouth.

2. Alien Fleshlight $63.71: See ad above

3. Alien Dildo $63.71 See ad above

Cyborg

1. Cyborg Fleshlight $63.71. Unfortunately, this one is a little disappointing. It’s unclear what is robotic about this artificial vagina.  If only Fleshlight had consulted with a robotics engineer or Donna Haraway, this would be a masterpiece.

2. Purple Cyborg Dildo: Ditto.

Devil

1. Devil Duckie Vibrator $16: This looks better than it feels. Trust me on this.

2. Devil Dildo: A meticulously crafted silicone delight. I bet the devil himself would endorse this if he knew about it.

Frankenstein

1. Frankenstein Fleshlight $63.71: If the thought of masturbating into a pink vagina that is supposed to look like it has been torn apart than sewed back up again (but in actuality looks like a baseball) turns you on, then your dreams have been answered.

2. Frankenstein Dildo $63.71: When I was an adolescent, I felt a kinship with Frankenstein (Mary Shelley‘s version). He’s not trying to hurt anyone, but he’s always accidentally destroying his surroundings. I’ve never wanted to have sex with him, but if I did I still wouldn’t buy this because the silicone bolts molded on to the dildo look dangerous. And, it is “intended for external use only.” Therefore, it’s useless as a dildo, but fantastic as a conversation piece.

Zombie

1. Zombie Fleshlight $63.71  With it’s pock-marked contours, this pink faux vagina really captures the spirit of undead  sex.

2. Zombie Dildo $63.71  The sinewy grey silicone dildo looks undead, yet appealing.

3. Necronomicox’s Zombie Dildo about $125: With yellow rotting flesh dripping off of the penis head and bright red veins tearing through the grey flesh, this dildo only appeals to hardcore fetishists.

Vampire

1. Fang Banger Waterproof Vibrating Cock Ring $20: The fang banger is a remarkably unimaginative Halloween-themed sex toy. The only evidence that this is a vampire cock ring is that it’s red, and it has fang banger in the title.

2. Succu Dry Fleshlight Sex in a Can Masturbator $52: Most people can only dream of receiving fellatio from a be-fanged creature. This Fleshlight delivers on that fantasy with a soft fang mouth, and “fang-shaped nubs” on the interior of the sleeve.

3. Death by Orgasm Vampire Bullet $15:  It’s just a vibrating bullet in a coffin, but the bullet is so versatile, such a classic toy, that there’s no way you can tire of it.

4. Drac Fleshlight $63.71 If you’ve ever wanted to engage in sexual intercourse with a woman whose vagina is shaped like a bat, you should buy this.

5. Drac Dildo $63.71: I’m not sure that someone whose vagina tingles for Eric Northman would get off on using this. Actually, I’m sure no woman would ever mistake this shiny, blood-red penis for that of Alexander Skarsgard.

Posted by Hallie Lieberman

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Review: Foreplay Ice Frost Vibrator

Foreplay Ice Frost Vibrator

When the heat index was over 100 degrees in Madison, Wisconsin, I decided that nothing would be more appealing than a vibrator with a built-in cooling mechanism. I really wanted to like this adorable genital Popsicle for a number of reasons:

1. I pin my hopes on new vibrators, while dreaming of the day when men evolve to develop clitoral stimulators on their pubic bones.

2. I thought it was adorable.

3. None of my friends had it, so I thought that I could be an early adopter and start a trend that would spread through the University, showering happiness on all who laid hands on the magical vibrating ice device.

Alas, I was disappointed. Just as it burns to place ice on a sprain,  placing a piece of vibrating ice burns the clitoris.  There’s a reason nobody masturbates with Del Monte Fruit Chillers. I’m not going to discount the fact that I didn’t like the Ice Frost because  I have an especially sensitive clitoris, but I’m also not completely convinced that I do, considering I wore my clitoris out on this when I was 19 years old. Maybe if I’d used the vibrator during Bikram Yoga, I would have been transported to absolute bliss. Although it doesn’t bring me sexual pleasure, the vibrator is not entirely worthless. It is a beautiful object. The ice looks like a miniature studded globe and it secures to its silicone base perfectly. The detachable vibrating bullet doesn’t provide enough vibration because the silicone base is so thick, so its more of a muffled pulsation, but maybe a rapidly vibrating ice cube would be even more unpleasant.

Overall Score: Three clitorises. The only reason to purchase this vibrator is so you can tell your friends that you masturbated with an ice vibrator. Actually, that’s a pretty good reason. 

Scale:

1-3 clitorises: Ineffective for sexual stimulation, but it may have some aesthetic value.

4-5 clitorises: It may bring you orgasms, but its design is ugly, and you might have to hold it at a weird angle to get pleasure.

6-7 clitorises: Reliably produces orgasms, moderately attractive and effective design, definitely bedside-table worthy.

8-9 clitorises: Innovative yet practical design, easy to grasp/insert, clean lines.

10 clitorises: It will bring you sexual bliss like no other device, and it is so beautiful that you could unabashedly display it in your foyer.

What My Clitoris Felt Like After Using the Ice Frost Vibrator

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