In a perfect world, we’d all have dildos protruding from our limbs like porcupine quills, and lubricant dispensers dangling from our stomachs like kinky Inspector Gadgets. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 32 years of existence, it’s that the world is far from perfect. And, no matter how hard I try, I will never grow a penis. Nor will it ever become socially acceptable to go out in public arrayed in dildos. So the best I can hope for is to wear strap-on dildos in the comfort of my own home, while enjoying a bowl of Cap ‘N Crunch Berries doused in heavy cream and two percent milk.
There’s only one problem with this scenario: it’s nearly impossible to bring a cereal-filled spoon to your mouth when you have an eight-inch silicone penis jutting from your chin. But thanks to the Heeldo, I can now live out my fantasy of growing penises from my limbs like the human version of the hot-dog tree from Big Top Pee Wee. Not only would this foot-strap dildo allow me to relax in the comfort of my own home, having realized this life-long dream, but according to the Heeldo company, I could also “sit, squat, or bounce [my] way to climax while giving [my] boyfriend the best blowjob!”
In theory, this would be a win-win for all involved: fellating someone while fucking yourself with a dildo would enhance the blow job because the fellator would be more turned on and therefore more enthusiastic about performing oral sex. In practice, I fear that it would lead to disaster. Granted, I’m not the type of person who can successfully multitask. It’s a part of the reason why I’m such a bad driver (that and the fact that I’m blonde and a woman). I believe that fellatio is an art–see courses such as “Fabulous Fellatio: The Art of Oral Sex“–and producing great art requires a level of single-minded intensity that cannot be achieved if you are simultaneously shoving a dildo in your vagina with your foot. But I don’t doubt that some other women or men out there could learn to perfect this skill. So I’m rooting for the Heeldo to succeed. If anything, it demonstrates that the spirit of innovation is alive and well in America.