Tag Archives: Larry David

Sex Toy Review: The Trojan Vibrating Tri-phoria

Trojan Vibrating Triphoria

The Trojan Vibrating Triphoria, un-boxed and mysteriously standing upright. Mine couldn’t do this. (Image from trojanvibrations.com).

After months of debate, I finally decided to purchase the Trojan Vibrating Tri-phoria at Walgreens early this morning. I came to this decision after I determined that no self-respecting dildographer could carry on her profession without trying out one of the most widely marketed vibrators in the United States. Trojan is one of the few companies that advertises their vibrators on TV, so chances are if you ask the average American to name a vibrator, the Tri-phoria or the Twister is what comes to mind. I think of Trojan vibrators as either introductory vibrators for those who are too scared to enter a sex-toy store or impulse purchases for women who stumble upon them in their drugstore aisles while searching for Kotex’s new multicolored tampons . Trojan’s brand recognition allows their sex-toys to serve as gateway vibrators. If you’ve already entrusted Trojan condoms to protect you from AIDS, buying one of their vibrators just makes sense.

I surprised myself in being mildly embarrassed while purchasing this at Walgreens. Maybe it’s because I’m a regular at this Walgreens. Yes, you can be a regular nighttime shopper at a local chain drug store, and I’m proud that I’m a member of this exclusive club. Anyway,because it comes in a beautiful glossy purple package whose cover lacks any images, it’s not too embarrassing to buy.

The Trojan Vibrating Tri-Phoria

The package that almost killed me.

Unfortunately, upon coming home and  tearing upon the box, I discovered that the vibrator was ensconced in one of those miserable hard plastic tombs that require rarefied skill to open. I had a Larry David moment where I screamed and poked at it with a pair of old, dirty scissors. When that didn’t work, I switched to a dull steak knife, which punctured the resilient plastic, but resulted in a small cut on my pinky. Continue reading

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Kris Jenner’s Vagina is Trying to Sell You Something

Kris Jenner's New Product (Image from Zestra.com)

Hearing the news about Kris Jenner’s endorsement of the sexual arousal gel Zestra filled me with conflicting emotions. On the one hand, I am always happy to see sexual products in the news; on the other hand, I don’t really want to think about Kris Jenner’s dribbly vagina being slathered with copious amounts of Zestra by Bruce’s enfeebled hand. A botanical gel that’s applied to the labia and clitoris to heighten pleasure during sexual intercourse, Zestra is supposed to give women a “rush” that causes tingling and arousal within three to five minutes of application. For most women rubbing the clitoris will provide a rush within three to five minutes, regardless of whether Zestra is being rubbed into it. That’s why in a Kinsey Institute study (sponsored by Zestra), both women using a placebo gel and women using Zestra experienced increased arousal, but women using Zestra saw a larger increase in arousal. Even though I question whether a liquid containing Evening Primrose Oil and Vitamin C can really lead to more sexual satisfaction, I’m pro-clitoral massage, so if purchasing this product leads to more clitoral massage, I’m all for it.

But what bothers me about using Kris as an endorser is that Kris says she uses Zestra to “keep monotony out of monogamy.” This declaration comes just days after revelations that she had a hot 18-month affair with a man a decade her junior while married to first husband Robert Kardashian. Clearly Kris found a better way to reduce the monotony of marriage, and that was by fucking someone else.  As I’ve previously stated, I don’t think that sex toys can fix a broken marriage, but they can improve one that’s in a rut. I’m tired of companies promoting sex toys as a way to solve the problem of monogamy. Trojan’s new campaign for their Vibrating Twister plays off of this same theme, to an even greater degree. Trojan claims their vibrator can transform your spouse into the perfect husband, one who enjoys shopping for shoes, watching bridal TV shows, and doing laundry (see video below). Basically, they’re claiming that the Vibrating Twister can convert your husband into a gay man who also enjoys fucking you. And although that’s my dream man (if he’s over 50 and looks like Larry David), I don’t hold out any hope that a vibrator, or even a butt plug could effect this change. Not even daily pegging sessions could transform a heterosexual man into a doting gay husband.

Vibrators and clitoral lotions cannot solve the intractable problem of achieving sexual satisfaction within a long-term monogamous relationship. They should not be sold as sexual talismans.  That’s setting them up for failure.  They should be sold as products that can increase your sexual pleasure during intercourse or masturbation, not as products that can rescue a miserable marriage. Sexual aid companies continue to promote their products as a part of a family-values monogamy discourse because they want to normalize sexual devices. But this discourse needs to change. Singles should be featured in sex toy ads. More gays should be featured in them. It is time to challenge the narrative that the only normal way to use a sex product is in a monogamous heterosexual relationship.

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Nobody Ever Said: “When I grow up, I want to have a loose vagina.”

 The Intensity Vibrator. Image from Jopen’s website.

Like all women, sometimes I wonder if my vagina is properly toned. I don’t spend too much time worrying about it because I have more important things to concern myself with like how to best utilize Princess Peach’s new flying capabilities in Mario Kart 3DS. But I probably should devote more of my life to strengthening my PC muscles, because when women age, their vaginal muscles lose tone, and there’s nothing worse than having a loose vagina (except for poverty, AIDS, unemployment, and bubonic plague). Not only is having a loose vagina unpleasant for your sexual partner, but it also can impact your own sexual pleasure. Strengthening your vaginal muscles increases the intensity of your orgasms. And if you assume  that nobody thinks you have a loose vagina, you could be dead wrong. Curb Your Enthusiasm has a classic episode devoted to this issue, in which Jeff’s former lover confides in Larry that Jeff has a small penis. When Larry relays this information to Jeff, Jeff claims that, in fact, it is not his penis that is the cause of the problem, but it is her enormous vagina. This causes Larry to famously exclaim: “Those big vagina ladies are getting away with murder!”

Most women are aware that they should be doing kegels, but it’s easy to get lazy and forget to do them. So how do you motivate a woman to strengthen her vagina? By creating a vaginal strengthening device that also doubles as an amazingly powerful sex toy. Enter Jopen’s award-winning Intensity vibrator. If the Reebok Pump had a threesome with the Rabbit and an early 20th century Heidelberg Electric Belt this would be the result. The bright pink vibrator contains an inflatable shaft with a g-spot vibrator and two electrodes, a rabbit-shaped clitoral stimulator, and a control panel that would baffle me even if I weren’t sexually aroused, but especially if I were. The control panel is in the bulbous base of the toy. It contains an inflation pump, an air valve release, LED lights, and five different buttons to control the vibrators and the electrodes. Yes, just writing about the operation of this vibrator confuses the shit out of me. However, a lot of sex toys have multiple controls, so that’s not necessarily a deal-breaker for me. But it gets even more complicated. You have to put two different types of lubricants on it before you insert it in your vagina: a water-based lube and electrode-stimulating gel. You then inflate the toy, turn on the electrodes, and activate the two vibrators. You are absolutely not supposed to turn on the electrodes before inserting it in your vagina, but Jopen mysteriously never explains why. I assume that turning on the electrodes prior to insertion will set your vagina on fire.

While I like the idea of this toy, I don’t think I want to be an early adopter of the Intensity. The concept is great: You get to have an orgasm while simultaneously improving the strength of your future orgasms. But it costs $170 dollars. And I’m wary of any vibrator that comes with its own instruction manual,  requires a 10-step process to operate, and has an accompanying list of 10 warnings, including the ominous “Do not use if you have a pacemaker or defibrillator.” While I’m all for technological innovation in sex toys–in fact, Intensity’s slogan is “The Elation of Innovation”–I think that no matter how advanced the toy is, it needs a simple user interface. But if it sounds enticing to you, you can buy it here. For everybody else, you can watch this Intensity video to get an idea of how it works.

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I Need Your Help Again: Which Celebrities Should Be Promoting Sex Toys?

The world will most likely never see a Larry David dildo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few days ago  Lindsay Lohan was offered a $1 million dollar endorsement deal by the Fleshlight sex-toy company. All she has to do is allow them to make a mold out of her vagina, which they will then fill with silicone, encase in an industrial plastic tube, and peddle to hardcore Herbie Fully Loaded fans. I can’t imagine that there would be a huge market for this, considering that her genitals wouldn’t win any beauty contests, but it did lead me to wonder which celebrities would be better suited to promoting sex toys.

Although Lindsay hasn’t publicly said whether she’ll help market a silicone likeness of her genitals, two other D-list celebrities have sex toy lines in the works: Phil Varone, star of Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew and a former drummer of the band Skid Row and The Real Housewives of Atlanta star Kandi Burruss.  The thought of owning a silicone replica of Varone’s penis or a clitoral stimulator inspired by Burruss doesn’t thrill me, but there are a number of celebrities whose genitals I would race out of the house to purchase. Of course I would love to see a Larry David dildo, but unfortunately that would have limited appeal. I know this because I belong to the Facebook group “Larry David– the Sexiest Man Alive,” and it only has five members.

No A-list celebrities have sex-toy lines, but they have no problem promoting products like lingerie (watch Bob Dylan’s bizarre Victoria’s Secret ad here) and acne medication (Jessica Simpson, Katy Perry, and Justin Bieber have all endorsed Proactiv). I think that if they’re willing to publicly declare their acne problems, they should also feel comfortable discussing their love of waterproof vibrators. I want to see Salma Hayek endorsing a line of nipple clamps, Leonardo DiCaprio hawking prostate stimulators, and Ryan Gosling peddling his lifelike dildos in the Special Features section on The Ides of March DVD. The only way to banish the sex-toy stigma in America is to have people like Justin Timberlake endorsing them. Which A-listers would you like to see promoting sex toys?

—Hallie Lieberman

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Is Larry David Terrified of Vibrators?

Larry David Navigating the Streets of New York in a "moving dildo."

My two favorite subjects–Larry David and vibrating devices–were magically intertwined in this week’s episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. In the episode, Larry’s car has a broken passenger seat that vibrates uncontrollably, producing orgasms in all the lucky women who get to ride in it. As he’s driving a woman he’s dating to his apartment in an attempt to receive postprandial intercourse, the woman achieves spectacular orgasm in the car, becomes sleepy, and decides not to go up to Larry’s apartment. Essentially, Larry is cock-blocked by his own vehicle. At the time, however, he is so clueless that he doesn’t realize that a woman has just orgasmed in his car. It takes his roommate Leon to discover the secret powers of his car seat. When he takes a ride with Larry, he explains the situation to him, declaring, “This shit is a moving dildo…This chair is a fuck machine. Man cannot compete with machinery.” After Leon’s revelation, Larry recognizes that his vibrating passenger-side chair is more capable of pleasing a woman than he is. (Earlier in the episode, Larry’s penis became flaccid during intercourse with this same woman). Not only do women like his giant sex toy more than they like him, but also he is unwittingly forced to transport this extraordinary vibrator, forcing him to be reminded of his sexual inadequacies time and time again. Larry is symbolically castrated by his car. (There’s another sexual humiliation subplot about an ice cream truck, but I’m not going to detail it here).

This episode left me wondering if vibrators intimidate most men or just old, balding Jewish men. Side note: I can say this because I’m a Jew, and I consider old, balding Jewish men to be the sexiest men around. When Leon says “Man cannot compete with machinery,” he is partially correct. Women do receive stronger orgasms from vibrators than they do from men. But orgasms aren’t as important to most women as they are to most men. I’m not including myself in the category of “most women,” by the way. Women argue that a vibrator could never replace a man because it can’t cook you a romantic dinner or snuggle in bed or hug you when you’re upset. But some men continue to be afraid of sex toys. And even though sex robots can’t cook penne alfredo now, I guarantee that in the future they will be able to. If Temple Grandin can create a hugging machine for cows, I don’t see why Doc Johnson can’t create clitoral stimulators that give affection.

Male fear of sex machines is irrational and primal, but completely forgivable and understandable. When a woman brings an eight-inch Jungle Jigglers Dolphin Vibrator  into the bedroom, she is introducing a penis-competitor into a man’s domain. This causes men distress because they can’t understand why their penises aren’t revered by the women they sleep with. And, I completely understand because I have one of the worst cases of penis envy in the history of America. If I had a penis, I would expect it to be worshiped too. However, the penis, like many celebrities, is amazing and beautiful, but flawed.  Men are either unaware of their penile flaws or choose to ignore them. Its main flaw is the lack of  a clitoral stimulator, causing most women to be unable to orgasm during intercourse unless they also manually stimulate their clitorises. During sex, women (meaning me) can’t stop thinking about the penis’ unfortunate flaw, while simultaneously being  jealous of a man’s ability to easily orgasm during sex. It seems only humane to allow a woman to bring all sorts of man-made devices into the bedroom to correct this flaw in the male anatomy. In time, most men come to welcome the vibrator into their penis’ domain, but this fear of vulva-stimulating machines will probably never completely disappear.

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