Tag Archives: Penis

Trump vs. Porn

Trump Love Doll.jpg

Pipedream’s Donald Chump Love Doll, available at Amazon.com for $17

Pornographers love Donald Trump. There are already over two dozen erotic e-books, three porn parodies, a blow-up doll, and a butt plug. The ever-growing Trump pornographic oeuvre has been widely ignored in the media, and when it has been noted, it is dismissed as a mere curiosity. It shouldn’t be. Porn may be the only media that can take down Trump. Political satire through sexual means can be a shockingly effective antidote to demagoguery.

To be sure, Trump isn’t the only presidential nominee getting enshrined in sex memorabilia. Hillary Clinton’s likeness has also been placed on butt plugs and blow-up dolls. Sadly, Bernie has only garnered a “Feel the Bern” condom. Trump wins this contest hands down. There is far more pornographic merchandise devoted to Trump than to Clinton, a reflection both of Trump’s oversize personality and the outrage generated by his xenophobic policies.

Using sex to parody politicians is neither new nor uniquely American. Political pornography played a part in the French revolution, helping delegitimize king Louis XV by depicting him with a limp dick. According to historian Robert Darnton, portrayals of Louis XV as impotent “drained him of his charisma and emptied the power from the symbolic apparatus of the monarchy…. Instead of a divine monarch, they spread the idea of a ‘feeble tyrant.’” (165)

While virility was a mark of political strength in France, in America it is the opposite: a sign of weakness. We want our politicians happily married and monogamous. Bill Clinton’s wandering penis got him impeached. Trump’s pride in his sexual conquests and his bragging about the size of his penis are seen as prime evidence that he is unsuitable for the Oval Office. But mainstream media critiques of Trump’s sexual braggadocio have fallen flat. Attacking Trump’s sexual persona requires more suitable media, media as crass, unapologetic and id-driven as he is: the worlds of pornography and novelty sex toys.

So instead of portraying Trump with a flaccid penis the Donald Chump Love Doll  portrays him as perpetually erect. His vinyl penis, although of average size, seems at odds with the doll’s nude, hairless, feminine body. Yet somehow the mismatch seems appropriate, as Trump is made both virile and emasculated at the same time.

But the sex doll is merely an empty vessel for its packaging, where the true political critique occurs. Emblazoned on the box are a series of Trump endorsements from the likes of A. Hitler (“He’s mein kind of guy”) and David Duke. Smaller print lists Stalin, Mussolini and the Ku Klux Klan as Trump supporters. A wall cut-out spray-painted with “No Immigrants” adorns the back of the package. The parody is neither subtle nor sophisticated, but neither is Trump. He is the only presidential candidate whose policies can be fully explained on the back of a blow-up doll package.

Yet only in porn can Trump’s persona be fully taken down. Trump’s xenophobia and misogyny are not cloaked in euphemism, which makes his prejudices perfectly suited for a parody. And in these porn parodies, at least in their trailers, the political critique is front and center, the sex secondary. Consider the trailer for Hustler’s The Donald, which first shows Trump fully clothed, reading Mein Kampf for Dummies. Even when his half-naked female advisors appear, the policy critique continues. Trump proclaims that he is going to “destroy the middle class” by “fucking it hard.” Similarly, Donald Tramp: A XXX Parody focuses more on Trump’s misogyny than the sex, with Trump spouting lines like “I love women—just not the fat and ugly ones.” Even when sex is front and center, the political message is inextricably intertwined with the sex, as in the female-directed Make America Gape Again. In the Gape trailer, the director intersperses footage of Trump’s vitriolic campaign speeches with the key scene of the film: a woman clad in an American flag being gangbanged by five men in Donald Trump masks. The porn may turn you on, but you will never forget it’s a metaphor for Trump’s danger to America.

Although the satire may be crass, the political message is serious. The director of Make America Gape, Maitresse Madeline Marlowe, told adult industry website XBIZ, “We didn’t want to show Trump as a comic figure; we wanted to show him how we see him — as a powerful but frightening force…Of course, the truly scary thing has been his rise to power. Even a five-person gangbang can’t compete with that. At least a gangbang is consensual.” And the producer of The Donald is Hustler founder and free-speech activist Larry Flynt, who has compared Trump to Mussolini.

Pornography can be a more effective media to critique Trump than a “serious” news source. Like Trump, pornography is assertive, loud, and appeals unapologetically to basic human drives. His policies are driven by emotion, not logic. They are grounded in our base emotions: fear and a desire for safety. This is why serious critiques that wonkily parse Trump’s policies fall flat. They can only be properly critiqued in a format that is also based in reptilian emotions: pornography. You may not like pornography, but it may be the only thing standing between us and Trump for president. Thank God the First Amendment protects this form of speech. That’s what really makes America great.

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Halloween Genital Candy Spectacular

Pictured is my sexual-candy smorgasbord.

Capitalistic societies have their problems. They’re rife with income inequality, workers rights are routinely ignored, and the jobs worth doing are the ones that pay the least. But there’s something beautiful about capitalism: money motivates people to create the most bizarre and amazingly unnecessary products. The prospect of making money fuels the imagination. And our imagination is fueled by our most basic instincts (drives for sex and food). That’s why we see so many sexual sales pitches for hamburgers, chocolate, and Italian subs. (All of which my students showed me during their presentation on sexualized advertising.They know me well).

But there’s another, less remarked upon way to incorporate the themes of sex and food and that’s by creating food that’s shaped like sexual and excretory organs. Although sexual sales pitches for food have a better track record than food shaped like sex organs—which is why Hershey’s calls their candies Kisses and not Tits—genital-shaped candies do exist. So, in the spirit of Halloween, I’m surveying the genital candy universe. I’m even testing some of it out. Although no major candy company produces sex-organ-shaped candies, the fact that they exist and are purchased in large enough quantities to justify being mass manufactured, shows that they have earned a place in the dank basement of consumer culture.

Why do genitals spur this particular type of creativity? It’s because they’re so frequently eaten. Think of the verbs we use to describe oral sex. They’re very similar to the verbs we use to describe eating candy: suck, blow, lick, eat, devour.  So it feels like a natural fit. Continue reading

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Why Aren’t Women Bragging About The Size of Their Clitorises?

My Clitoris; Mike Litoris

Image from startedafire.blogspot.com

With all the vagina power rhetoric being bandied about, you’d think that women would be taking pride in their large clitorises. But the opposite is happening. Women in the U.S. are actually shrinking the size of their clitorises via barbaric practices like clitoral reduction surgery. And although the majority of large-clitorised women aren’t resorting to surgery, they also aren’t bragging about the impressive size of their lady penises.

Women usually get genital cosmetic surgery–which in addition to clitoral reduction, includes labiaplasty, hymen restoration, clitoral hood removal, and g-spot enhancement–for the same reason they get breast enlargements: they think that a change in their physical appearance will improve their emotional state. However, according to Virginia Braun’s 2010 article  about female genital cosmetic surgery in the Journal of Women’s Health, “Despite some surgeon claims of drastic transformations of psychological, emotional, and sexual life associated with the surgery, little reliable evidence of such effects exists.”

You need only to turn to the websites of the doctors who perform the procedure to determine that clitoral reduction surgery is all about reducing the shame that large-clitorised women feel. Here’s plastic surgeon Dr. Gary Alter’s explanation for why women bestowed with big clitorises should get them reduced:

“These women are usually very embarrassed, both in and out of clothing and when sexually aroused.” Continue reading

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Is Larry David Terrified of Vibrators?

Larry David Navigating the Streets of New York in a "moving dildo."

My two favorite subjects–Larry David and vibrating devices–were magically intertwined in this week’s episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. In the episode, Larry’s car has a broken passenger seat that vibrates uncontrollably, producing orgasms in all the lucky women who get to ride in it. As he’s driving a woman he’s dating to his apartment in an attempt to receive postprandial intercourse, the woman achieves spectacular orgasm in the car, becomes sleepy, and decides not to go up to Larry’s apartment. Essentially, Larry is cock-blocked by his own vehicle. At the time, however, he is so clueless that he doesn’t realize that a woman has just orgasmed in his car. It takes his roommate Leon to discover the secret powers of his car seat. When he takes a ride with Larry, he explains the situation to him, declaring, “This shit is a moving dildo…This chair is a fuck machine. Man cannot compete with machinery.” After Leon’s revelation, Larry recognizes that his vibrating passenger-side chair is more capable of pleasing a woman than he is. (Earlier in the episode, Larry’s penis became flaccid during intercourse with this same woman). Not only do women like his giant sex toy more than they like him, but also he is unwittingly forced to transport this extraordinary vibrator, forcing him to be reminded of his sexual inadequacies time and time again. Larry is symbolically castrated by his car. (There’s another sexual humiliation subplot about an ice cream truck, but I’m not going to detail it here).

This episode left me wondering if vibrators intimidate most men or just old, balding Jewish men. Side note: I can say this because I’m a Jew, and I consider old, balding Jewish men to be the sexiest men around. When Leon says “Man cannot compete with machinery,” he is partially correct. Women do receive stronger orgasms from vibrators than they do from men. But orgasms aren’t as important to most women as they are to most men. I’m not including myself in the category of “most women,” by the way. Women argue that a vibrator could never replace a man because it can’t cook you a romantic dinner or snuggle in bed or hug you when you’re upset. But some men continue to be afraid of sex toys. And even though sex robots can’t cook penne alfredo now, I guarantee that in the future they will be able to. If Temple Grandin can create a hugging machine for cows, I don’t see why Doc Johnson can’t create clitoral stimulators that give affection.

Male fear of sex machines is irrational and primal, but completely forgivable and understandable. When a woman brings an eight-inch Jungle Jigglers Dolphin Vibrator  into the bedroom, she is introducing a penis-competitor into a man’s domain. This causes men distress because they can’t understand why their penises aren’t revered by the women they sleep with. And, I completely understand because I have one of the worst cases of penis envy in the history of America. If I had a penis, I would expect it to be worshiped too. However, the penis, like many celebrities, is amazing and beautiful, but flawed.  Men are either unaware of their penile flaws or choose to ignore them. Its main flaw is the lack of  a clitoral stimulator, causing most women to be unable to orgasm during intercourse unless they also manually stimulate their clitorises. During sex, women (meaning me) can’t stop thinking about the penis’ unfortunate flaw, while simultaneously being  jealous of a man’s ability to easily orgasm during sex. It seems only humane to allow a woman to bring all sorts of man-made devices into the bedroom to correct this flaw in the male anatomy. In time, most men come to welcome the vibrator into their penis’ domain, but this fear of vulva-stimulating machines will probably never completely disappear.

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