Tag Archives: Vagina

If Only Foreplay Were Like a Video Game

The Remote-Controlled Lyla Vibrator. Image from Lelo.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Few women could resist a product that is designed to make foreplay more enjoyable for their partners. And there’s no better way to get a man or woman interested in foreplay than to turn your vagina into a video game. So I was very excited when I first heard about the $139 Lyla vibrator that is controlled through a wireless Wii-like motion-sensitive remote. In theory, the idea seems great. You hand the tiny remote to your partner, and they artfully maneuver the hot pink egg-shaped vibrator around your vagina while you become increasingly aroused. I imagined it to be like a vaginal Roomba, minus the cleaning ability. I visualized it zipping around, sensually grasping the genital walls with a charming robotic glee.  Then I discovered that the remote only allows the user to control the speed of vibration, not the direction the vibrator moves in.  But that can still be sexy, I told myself, in a spirit of optimism that is fueled by my daily ingestion of 200 mg of Zoloft and 150 mg of Wellbutrin.

Well, it’s not sexy. In fact, it’s the opposite of sexy (see video below). If the thought of your boyfriend operating your vibrator as if he were barreling down the Rainbow Road track of Mario Kart in a recently unlocked Bullet Bike turns you on, then the Lyla is for you. I could see this vibrator being popular if you could actually play your girlfriend’s vagina like a video game, and the results were uploaded to the internet. The scoring would go something like this:

50 points for every orgasm produced in under 10 minutes

25 points for every other orgasm produced

5 points for every time you play for at least three minutes

When you’ve accumulated 1,000 points, the Lyla would magically sprout wings and fly into your lover’s vagina.

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The World’s First Alarm Clock For Your Genitals

Photo by Gyuri Szabo at finfoto.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have you ever showed up late to a meeting and thought, “If only I had had an alarm clock wedged against my vagina, I would’ve been on time?” I know I have. That’s why I’m certain that this Little Rooster alarm clock is destined to be a best seller.

To use this vibrating alarm clock, you place it on “your pubic mound,” while “the vibrating leg rests against your clitoris and labia.” I’m not sure how you are supposed to ignore this as you’re falling asleep, but Little Rooster’s website assures you that “most women become completely unaware of the Little Rooster within a minute of slipping it into their knickers.”

When it’s time to get up, the alarm clock starts vibrating slowly at first, and then its two motors begin to vibrate more intensely. If you become so aroused that you don’t feel like getting up, you just hit “snorgasm” mode and it pleasures you for 10 minutes. Since most people fall asleep after their orgasms, the idea that an orgasm would awaken you from a deep slumber is a little counterintuitive to me. And it seems like The Little Rooster doesn’t have a back-up alarm for those who naturally fall into a post-masturbatory slumber. Maybe there needs to be a separate Little Rooster alarm for your anus that zaps you if you don’t get up within five minutes of your snorgasm.

Design flaws aside, I have to credit the company for their hyperbolic ad copy. The only thing better than inventing and marketing a genital alarm clock is coming up with claims like this: “The Little Rooster is the most considerate alarm clock in the world.  If only altruism were always this much joy.”

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Female Sexual Dysfunction, Part One

Does this woman have a sexual disorder? Not even her doctor knows for sure.

Last night I watched an interesting documentary called Orgasm Inc. that traces the development of two female sexual dysfunction drugs: Alista, a topical testosterone cream, and Intrinsa, a testosterone patch that was rejected by the FDA. Both failed because they couldn’t satisfactorily improve women’s sex drives or orgasmic capabilities. The film focuses on the invention of the disease Female Sexual Dysfunction (FSD), which director Wendy Ettinger argues is a disorder created by the pharmaceutical industry to sell unnecessary drugs.

The women’s equivalent of erectile dysfunction (ED), FSD is a vaguely defined disease, characterized by “persistent, recurrent problems with sexual response or desire,” according to the Mayo Clinic.  The DSM IV divides FSD into nine separate conditions, some characterized by physical symptoms, and others that are purely psychological. To illustrate the inability of the medical establishment to fully grasp female sexuality, here is a list of the symptoms that supposedly present themselves in cases of  Subjective Sexual Arousal disorder, a subset of FSD:

“absent or diminished feelings of sexual arousal from any type of sexual stimulation; however, vaginal lubrication or other signs of physical response occur.”

In other words, even if a woman’s vagina is saying yes, her brain might be saying no. And the brain overrules the vagina, unlike in the male system where the penis is king. That’s why Viagra doesn’t work as well for women. All most men need is an erection and they’re ready to go. Determining women’s sexual arousal is much more difficult.  Some women need a romantic setting and a loving partner to achieve an orgasm, while others just require a bottle of 99 Bananas and a clitoral erection.

To further complicate the definition of Female Sexual Dysfunction, even if you have all the symptoms, you do not necessarily have FSD unless “these problems are making you distressed or straining your relationship with your partner.” Not only has the medical establishment been unable to sufficiently define FSD, but also they have not come to a consensus on how to treat it, or determined how many people are afflicted. Researchers have variously estimated that anywhere from 10 to 46 percent of women suffer from some form of the condition.

Female Sexual Dysfunction is nothing new. In fact women’s sexual problems have consistently been a great source of concern in Western culture, especially since the mid-1800s. The only thing that has changed is the name. One-hundred-and-fifty years ago, we called these diseases neurasthenia, hysteria, and frigidity. In the 21st century, drug companies have re-branded these syndromes as Female Sexual Dysfunction.

To date, drug companies have failed in curing this affliction, but I believe that if women take FSD into their own hands, they can solve it once and for all. The solution? Simply creating a detailed list of sexual instructions for current and future partners. These should be tacked to the bed or a motion sensor should be set up that begins playing a recording of them once the sexual partner has entered the bedroom.

A hypothetical example is given below:

“Welcome new sexual partner. In order to sexually arouse [insert your name] or bring her to orgasm, you must first perform a 22 minute full-body massage while discussing the history of erotic art in America. Then, place your tongue at a 45-degree angle to her clitoris, while massaging her upper thigh with your right hand, and inserting the index and middle fingers of your left hand into the vaginal canal. Do this for nine minutes. Try to ignore the cramping in your head, neck, and hands.

Side note: if you plan on engaging in sexual activity with her in the future, prepare for it by taking a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug thirty minutes before commencing sexual activity.

If none of these techniques work, download pornography to her laptop, balance the computer on her stomach and continue performing cunnilingus for the duration of the erotic film. If these approaches continue to be unsuccessful, remove the laptop, take a five-minute break and introduce your own methods into the mix. If all else fails, extricate your face from her vulva, make your way to the kitchen, and locate the bag of Pretzel M&M’s that is stored in the cabinet to the right of the sink. Bring these into the bedroom. You may share them with her, but you are only allowed to eat two of them.”

Coming Soon: In Part II of this blog post, I’ll be detailing some other medical treatments for FSD, including clitoral pumps. I’ll also argue why capitalism is good for women’s sex lives.

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